Counseling: How It Can Be Helpful

Celebrating your Relationship

2010-12-18T14:21:00.002-08:00

With the holidays upon us, it's easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of activity: parties, decorating, gift-giving, shopping, wrapping, etc. We have annual traditions in place: Christmas Eve with the family, Christmas morning with the kids, Christmas dinner with the neighbors. How do you celebrate the tradition of your relationship?

Your relationship should be celebrated everyday, even in the smallest way. The traditions do not need to be costly or need to be time consuming. The traditions only need to be heartfelt and demonstrate some expression of the love you have for each other in a way that is meaningful to you.

Your relationship deserves daily nurturing and attention. Love is the gift of attention. Your relationship deserves nothing less.

Happy holidays!

The Gift of the Holidays

2010-12-18T14:21:00.001-08:00

How often do you or your partner spend time thinking about the "perfect" gift? Maybe it's a watch, maybe it's a ring, maybe it's a book.. in a relationship, the best gift you can give to one another is the gift of time. If busy schedules, children, and other responsibilities cut into the quality time you long for, then maybe it's time to reconsider prioritizing the gifts to be less tangible and more substantial. Spending quality time reconnecting with each other can foster longer, more positive, memories to reflect upon throughout the years, more so than any tangible item that eventually will be discarded, donated or put away.

Listen to your Gut

2010-11-14T08:26:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had a natural instinct to walk away from a bad situation, or jump on a great opportunity, but you remain stagnant because you're fearful of the unknown? Sometimes our gut, or inner voice, sends us loud signals to venture forth on a path than we expect or hope for. It can be as valuable as Pinocchio's "Jiminy Cricket" and usually won't lead you astray if you really listen to what it's trying to tell you and realize that you gut is letting you know how a given situation may be in your best interest, even if you cannot understand why in the moment, or may tell you to leave a bad event, even if you want to stay.

Listen to your gut... see what it has to tell you... it's a stronger force than you might believe.

Letting People Know What You Need

2010-10-31T21:26:00.001-07:00

Imagine going through a tough period of your life and wanting support from family and friends... without judgement, without advice, just a safe support network. However, anytime you attempt to reach out, people give you unsolicited advice or talk to you about their experiences, leaving you feeling like no one understands you. Ever have this experience? Then keep reading...

Usually when people give unsolicited advice or share experiences, it's because they want you to know you're not alone, or because they want to be helpful but may feel lost as to how to help. If you aren't speaking up, then the loneliness and frustration can cycle. Every person reacts differently to similar situations; hence, no one can possibly know how YOU feel... only how THEY would feel. Therefore, it's important to let people know how you feel and what you need from them to help you through this trying time. It'll give you an opportunity to reach out and give others to help you the way you really need it.

Assertiveness vs. Aggressiveness

2010-10-24T00:25:00.000-07:00

Do you know the difference between being assertive and being aggressive? Being assertive is having the ability to set boundaries for yourself and standing up for your rights in a respectful way. Being aggressive, on the other hand, means to state your points in a way that may intimidate and manipulate your partner into giving up their own beliefs to pacify your own.

The question to ask yourself: Why would you really want your partner to agree with you because you've intimidated them into believing as yourself?

Discussing the "Tough Stuff"

2010-09-24T21:51:00.000-07:00

You know the 3 top issues that couples tend to fight the most about (not in any particular order): children, sex, and money. These 3 topics tend to trigger the most tension because people have such deep connections & beliefs about them; however, they are still an important part of a relationship and it's important such topics aren't avoided.

So how can you minimize such conflicts? Begin talking about them BEFORE it becomes an issue. Talk about the value of money (how you like to save/spend/etc.), how you want to raise the children, likes & dislikes in the bedroom as soon as possible! Don't wait until you find yourselves confronted with the issue. If you're dating and see your relationship going towards a serious path, discuss these issues NOW. If you're already married, continue such discussions as they come up for either one of you.

Having ongoing discussions about your expectations will help you understand your partner and yourself better in relating to one another & enhance your relationship.

Contingencies - A Relationship Killer

2010-09-17T09:56:00.000-07:00

This week, I saw a lot of couples who believed, "If you want me to do 'XYZ', then you should do 'ABC' for me." When their partner didn't respond as they expected, they admitted to withholding the behavior/effort they initially put forth. In a relationship, this can result in a reduction in the positive feelings and connections you want to have with your partner. Your partner may not be responding in kind not out of malice nor intent, but out of tiredness, stress, or plain forgetfulness.

If you're basing positive connections on contingencies (like sex, a date night, or the like), then think about this: not only are you "punishing" your partner for not reciprocating, but you're denying yourself the activities you enjoy spending with your partner. While your connection may be "off," you are causing further distance and damage. Instead of contingencies, talk to your partner about your concerns about your efforts and the responses you're getting vs. the responses you'd like to see. Listen to your partner's responses and see if there's ways for the 2 of you to grow closer, rather than putting up obstacles that will cause you to grow further apart.

Putting the Marriage Towards the Top

2010-09-10T04:45:00.000-07:00

How easy is it to put all the stressors of your life prior to your marriage? The kids, cleaning the house, the bills... it never ends and it's easy to lose yourself and your relationship among all the daily routines. As a result, it's easy to lose the connection you have with your partner with all these stressors bombarding you. However, consider this... if you and your partner continue to make the relationship a priority, regardless of the external stressors, then you know you can work through the issues and supporting one another.

Make your relationship a priority. The problems will come and go throughout your life, but can be overcome more positively if your relationship is in tact.

30 Days at a Time

2010-08-26T17:16:00.000-07:00

Are you in a new relationship? Do you start to wonder "where is this going?" Do you feel like there's a lot of pressure or drama so early in the relationship? What happened to new relationships being fun??

New relationships are full of fun, hope, and excitement, but can quickly get bogged down with expectations and visions of the future, which can result in pressure and drama. When the expectations of the future become more important than the relationship in it's current time, it's easy to worry about whether this person is "the one" or become focused on their idiosyncrasies & sabotage yourself into believing the relationship was never right for you from the get go.

Instead, focus on "30 days at a time." If you're focusing on some aspect of the relationship that falls outside the next 30 days, bring yourself back into the next 30 days. In a new relationship, worrying about whether you're going to live together, make a big purchase together or get married most likely isn't on the agenda in the next month, so don't concentrate on such big commitments. Instead, bring yourself back to the next 30 days and enjoy the moment of the relationship. Allow yourself to concentrate on having fun, being with this person and "really" learning who this person is and how you feel when you're with this person. In time, you'll be able to look past the "30 days" but for now, give yourself permission to enjoy the relationship for what it is in the present... you'll learn soon enough whether this person/relationship is right for you without the drama or pressure.

Claim your Space

2010-08-25T21:00:00.001-07:00

Nurturing your relationship and quality time is important. However, it is equally important to nurture yourself as individuals. Take time occasionally for yourself away from your spouse. Go out with friends...get involved with a hobby...whatever interests you have, foster them. It gives you a chance to regain your identity separate from your relationship, and provides you opportunities to share more with your partner at the same time!

Are You Sabotaging Your Own Relationship?

2010-08-09T10:02:00.000-07:00

If you believe your relationship isn't going the way you want it, rather than focusing on your partner, examine what you might be doing to contribute to the problem. It's easy to get caught up on your partner's actions... they aren't paying enough attention to you.. they may work longer hours than necessary.. they may not help enough around the house. Blame and accusations ensue & you might feel hopeless, but let's look at the other side of things.

What might you be doing that prevents your partner from wanting to spend time with you? What behaviors might you show your partner that discourages them from helping you around the house? It's easy to believe you want your relationship to be the best it can be, but only if your partner changes their ways. However, your partner will have no motivation to make changes if you continually engage in ways that upset them to begin with. Start with yourself & the changes that need to be made without worrying about your partner's faults... you'll get a lot further in your relationship.

Notice the Little Things

2010-08-02T12:26:00.000-07:00

I was laid up this past weekend with a terrible head cold. However, this weekend has inspired my writing this week's tip...

As I laid on the couch, watching TV, feeling lousy, I also came to appreciate how important the little things are in a relationship. Be it an offer to go to the store and pick up some medicine, to make breakfast, or to even just pour a glass of juice, these little things can go a long way in a relationship. However, don't limit your random gifts of kindness to when a loved one is sick. Make these simple gestures part of your relationship everyday. If you're on the receiving end of these gifts, make sure you appreciate what your partner is doing for you. It's the give & take in a relationship that helps it flourish.

Acceptance

2010-07-27T10:11:00.000-07:00

This week, I came across this anonymous quote regarding relationships. I found it very poignant, about unconditional acceptance of your partner. Too often, we try to change our partners to conform to our own comfort levels, rather than accepting our partners for who they are.

‎"Love me without fear. Trust me without questioning. Need me without demanding. Want me without restricting. Accept me without change. Desire me without inhibitions. For a love so free...will never fly away." - Anonymous

What Does it Really Take?

2010-07-16T16:08:00.000-07:00

I hear constantly from couples that they need to be working 50/50 for their relationship to work; but is that really the case? If each of you are putting in 50%, then both of you are only working to 1/2 of your potential. Really, this results in a relationship built on contingencies, where you need to depend on one another to create the 100%... "If you're not going to do your 50%, then why should I do mine?" This is a recipe for relationship disaster, when you're looking to your partner for the motivation to change.

Instead, try looking at your efforts as needing to be 100/100. If each of you are consistently putting a 100% into the relationship, then your efforts aren't contingent upon your partner's efforts to become whole. At 100%, you're already whole, and don't need to depend on your partner to make the changes within yourself. You can put 100% of the effort in knowing you're giving it your all. If your partner wants to make this relationship work, then hopefully they are committed to their own 100%. If they aren't, then you have the opportunity to decide what is going to feel best to you. Either way, it's about giving the relationship your all, not just 1/2 of you...

Is Love REALLY Enough?

2010-07-09T08:57:00.000-07:00

When I sit with a couple in my office, I'll ask them why they continue to tolerate bad behaviors from their partner, especially if they are already convinced their partner will never change? More often than not, the response will be something to the effect of, "Because I love him/her?" So, now I'll offer this question, "Is love *really* enough?" I'm not suggesting people break up with their partners, in fact, I usually continue to work towards a fulfilling relationship as long as the couple continues attending counseling sessions. What I am suggesting is to take careful inventory of your relationship & really look at what you can be doing differently in order to build upon the love you've built together.

If your partner is continually doing something that you feel is disrespecting you, ask yourself these questions:

1) Why would s/he disrespect me time and again if they really loved me?

2) Why would I continue to tolerate such behaviors from someone I love?

You will be disrespected if you don't respect yourself first. You won't be loved the way you deserve if you don't love yourself first. Boundaries will only be respected if you respect and uphold your own boundaries first. Love in of itself is not the sole foundation of a relationship, but it is the glue to move the relationship through tough times & relish in the good times.

Is It REALLY Over?

2010-07-02T00:18:00.000-07:00

Sometimes couples end a relationship when they don't think there's any hope for change or improvement. They say they've "tried everything," but really, "everything" is probably more limited than they think. They tend to continually try the same things over and over, expecting different results. As a result, frustration sets in and arguments get worse or the silence gets more pronounced.

If this sounds like your relationship, there's still hope. It's easy to think you've "done everything," but have you "really" considered all the possibilities? Or have you limited yourself? This is where counseling can be beneficial. The process of counseling can help you explore new avenues on how to relate to your partner, acquire new tools and enhance the opportunity for a healthier relationship.

Where do YOU fit in?

2010-06-25T08:10:00.000-07:00

There seems to be a common belief that the children must come first in a person's life. To some degree this is true, as the infant is completely dependent on you for everything: feedings, attention, clothing, changing, etc. However, many couples take this to an extreme, resulting in a disconnect in their relationship. While you never want to neglect the needs of a child, you also do not want to neglect your own needs... you're only as good of a caretaker to another as you caretake of yourself.

Prior to children, you might have been a wife/husband, employee, and good friend. Adding in a role of parent may be a juggle, but that additional role should not replace the other roles altogether. If you find you have completely given up other roles to add in the role of the parent, it's time to start doing something different. Reconnect with friends, have a date night with your partner, let your partner take care of the children for a few hours and engage in yoga classes. Whatever you do, it's important NOT to lose yourself in the role of parenthood. At some point, your children will be grown and out of the house, keeping your sense of self in tact will help you with all the transitions in life that face you.

Balance is Key

2010-06-18T08:35:00.000-07:00

Do you find yourself feeling burned out after putting extra effort into one part of your life? For example, after a big project deadline has passed or after putting together your child's birthday party? Part of the reason this burnout phenomenon occurs is because we tend to over-focus on the issue that feels most pressing to us at the expense of other projects or activities we may enjoy. This occurs often in the long term for couples after having children, which is the reason so many couples have trouble connecting after the children have grown up and left the home.

So what's the answer? If something pressing is facing you, it's important to remember there's other parts of your life that shouldn't be ignored. You may not be able to actively engage in them the way you would without the looming deadline or circumstance over your head, but it doesn't mean you should disregard your life altogether for the sake of the current stress. Take time for yourself, for your relationship, for your family in the smallest ways. It will make a HUGE difference in your overall health and well-being, not to mention maintaining a better connection with your partner.

Take it ALL in

2010-06-10T13:54:00.000-07:00

Your relationship has to be based on everything you bring to it and everything your partner brings. This includes their physique, good & bad habits, families, prior experiences, children from prior relationships, debt, charm and even their pets. When nurturing and maintaining a relationship it's important to consider ALL aspects of your partner, not just the aspects that attracted you to them in the first place. Remember the old saying, "I'm marrying him, not his/her family?" The fact is your partner is part of that family. Discounting even the smallest detail could later become an issue. For a relationship to work, it's important you accept your partner for who they are TODAY... not who they were and not who you hope they would become.

If you change over time, then it's only fair to recognize your partner will do the same. Attempting them to change them into what you would like them to be means them giving up who they are. It only leads to frustration and resentment within the relationship. Accepting who your partner IS rather than who you think they "should be" demonstrates respect, which in turn, can foster more closeness in the relationship.

Reality vs. Fantasy

2010-06-05T13:18:00.000-07:00

Getting a relationship off on the right foot may feel really easy in some ways. You seem to be able to talk for hours, you enjoy every waking moment together, and you may even begin to have some conversations of what the future may hold for the two of you. It's almost like you are a match made in heaven.

You don't want to dismiss these feelings, but at the same time, you want to make sure you approaching this relationship from a healthy viewpoint. It's easy to overlook or dismiss the other person's quirks or faults because you're so enjoying the time together. If you live further apart and are only spending intermittent weekends with one another, then each face-to-face meeting can feel like a mini-honeymoon as you reconnect. If you've recently broken up with someone, you may idealize this new relationship because they seem to have "everything" your last partner didn't.

Make sure you keep your feet planted firmly on the ground during this time. It feels great to revel in new feelings of hope and intense connection, but don't sacrifice what you are looking for in a relationship for these feelings. They subside a bit with time and comfortability, yet the character flaws you overlooked early in the beginning will still be there and now they aren't so easy to overlook. Keep your eyes, ears and heart open, evaluating all parts of the relationship. The right one will not cause you to "settle" for something you don't have to settle for.

Disappointment vs. Trust

2010-05-28T09:36:00.000-07:00

Which do you find more damaging to a relationship? Disappointing your partner by speaking your mind in a respectful way, knowing they won't like the response? Or eroding the trust from the relationship? If you chose the latter, then keep reading...

If trust is essential to the foundation of a relationship, then isn't it interesting how many couples will refrain from saying what how they really feel to their partner for the fear of disappointing them? As a result, people will enter into agreements they really don't agree to. This can be as simple as what they want for dinner to weekend plans to having sex. Through this process, resentment starts to build towards your partner and towards yourself, which begins the erosion of trust, as you have lied to yourself and your partner.

So while disappointing your partner may not be pleasant, it's important to consider what the consequence would be if your partner realizes that you've been dishonest with them after the fact. Small mistruths over time can result in an erosion of trust in the relationship. So do you still think it's worth "biting your tongue?"

Look for the Best, Not the Worst

2010-05-20T22:13:00.000-07:00

It's extremely easy to look for the worst in people, especially when they've hurt you. Once that hurt occurs, you begin to seek out anything to prove to yourself that you can trust your partner. Ironically, a phenomenon occurs where you actually hone in on the negative almost as a way to prevent yourself from getting hurt again. However, by honing in on the negative, you A) begin to focus only on the negative and B) you overlook the positive in your partner. This results in ongoing hurt and distrust, as well as the "always/never" syndrome ("You always/never do....").

A better strategy to prevent yourself from getting caught up into this rut, notice when your partner engages in a behavior that hurts you. Rather than automatically going to the place of believing they want to hurt you, take a step back and give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Let them know, calmly, the hurt your feeling when they engage in a certain way and ask they do not do it again. Then, reflect silently on a positive trait about your partner that demonstrates the bond and trust between you. By recognizing the offensive act as what it is and not generalizing it to the rest of your relationship, you can isolate the pain to the incident and keep the trust in tact.

Trusting Your Partner

2010-05-14T23:18:00.000-07:00

Here's an interesting phenomenon: You enter into a committed relationship with someone you proclaim to trust. If that's the case, then why do so many people have difficulty relinquishing control to their partner? Usually in my practice, I will hear clients say things like, "S/he won't do it the way I want," or "S/he won't do it anyway." These type of statements usually imply the expectation of one person expecting their partner to take "the ball" and run with it, but only if they do it "the right way." This contradictory expectation causes much conflict in relationships.

Here's an alternate view: You enter into a committed relationship with someone you proclaim to trust. Rather than feeling like you have to carry "the ball" with you at all times, give your partner the chance to demonstrate to you of the trustworthiness you want to have with your partner. Relationships aren't about keeping "the ball" in your court all the time. It's also about giving your partner "the ball" and entrusting they will do the right thing with it.

What is a Relationship?

2010-05-08T16:07:00.000-07:00

Let's look at this at the most basic level. Two people meet, the decide there's enough compatibility to move forward and enter into a relationship. They become exclusive and within a period of time, the relationship may become flat, arguments may occur, or unwanted behaviors begin to surface. So what changed? How is it 2 people who entered into this relationship ends up having such problems? Actually, it's more obvious than you might think...

When people enter into a relationship, they tend to go with their feelings... that "spark" or "click." What tends to be overlooked are the "terms" of the relationship. What does "exclusive mean"? How often do you want to see each other? How often do you expect to have sex? Do you want to be kissed in the morning? Do you want to hear "I love you" before you go to sleep? Who will empty the dishwasher? Who will do the laundry? This is just the tip of the iceberg, but it goes to show how many of the "details" aren't addressed when people jump into a relationship. It's when these "terms" come to the surface, that people start to realize their first instincts about one another may be the right ones.

So what's a couple to do? Well, negotiating all "terms" of the relationship as they come to the surface is the best way to work out differences. So come to the "table" and be open, honest and talk about what it is you are willing to agree to... only until each point is negotiated and agreed upon can you move forward. It's also to remember that, like a contract, relationships need to be revisited periodically as the dynamics of your relationship changes.

Selective Honesty

2010-04-29T19:16:00.000-07:00

Relationships require trust. Building trust requires forthrightness & honesty. Any time you choose to withhold information that could potentially impact the relationship, you are stealing your partner's choice and causing damage to the relationship. Withholding the information may seem like the right thing to do, because it might save your partner from pain, prevent an "unnecessary" argument, or keep your partner from thinking poorly of you. Really though, those withholdings start to chip away at the foundation of trust in the relationship, especially if your partner begins to learn of the inconsistencies in your stories. The result is really everything you were trying to avoid in the first place!! Arguments WILL ensue, your partner will be upset and your partner may start to become suspicious of your actions and motives.

So while it may seem easier in the short-term to withhold information from your partner, ultimately that act can snowball into something much more damaging to a relationship. Learn to be upfront with yourself and your partner in a productive way to maintain a healthy relationship.

Friendship

2010-04-19T22:41:00.000-07:00

Relationships can be enhanced by your circle of friends. The types of relationships you have with others outside your relationship can be a direct mirror to the type of relationship you have with your partner. Your friendships can provide you with an outlet that your partner may not be able to provide. For example, you may have interests that your partner has little interest in, such as a sport or a physical activity, like hiking.

Seeking healthy outlets to pursue interests provide you with some time to reconnect with yourself and your identity, as well as an opportunity to bring new experiences to the relationship. It also takes the pressure off of your partner to be your entire support system, which can become isolating & stifling to the relationship.

Love & Autonomy

2010-04-08T19:24:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting issue arise in a session this week that I thought I'd share. A client came to a realization regarding her motivations for staying with someone, who she absolutely knew wasn't right for her. In speaking with her, she admitted the reason for staying in the relationship with her partner wasn't just because she had strong emotional feelings for this person, but because without his presence, she would feel less "important" in her life. As we explored her process, she came to the realization that staying with her partner was actually her need to calm her internal anxiety when she thought about ending the relationship. Basically, she had been willing to stay in this relationship to keep her anxiety at bay, more than doing what she needed to do to be honest with herself.

I see this often with clients. Ask yourself how many times you've had uncomfortable feelings (anxiety, guilt, fear, etc.) and have acted upon them, such as by calling an ex because you still "love them," picking a fight with your partner, trying to cuddle up to your partner when you really don't want to, etc. Sometimes, we will calm our negative emotions through sabotaging behaviors just to get rid of those uncomfortable feelings. This is just a quick "fix" to calming those emotions, but it doesn't solve the problem. Furthermore, it can result in almost an "addictive" pattern, in that the more you get the response you want from your partner, the more you will continue in these self-sabotaging behaviors each time you have a "rush" of emotions.

Instead, if you begin to experience uncomfortable emotions, love yourself and give yourself permission to experience those emotions. Yes... they ARE uncomfortable, but by experiencing them rather than acting on them, you are allowing yourself the opportunity to depend on yourself to heal and overcome them, rather than depending on another and possibly sabotaging your relationship & your autonomy.

What is Love?

2010-04-02T12:17:00.000-07:00

I recently went to a seminar on couples counseling. The presenter had asked the entire room what their definition of love was. As answers were being shouted from across the room, there were many answers which included passion, affection, kindness, & support. However, the presenter made an interesting observation -- for all of these qualities to truly occur, there is a common factor, which no one addressed: ATTENTION.

In order for passion, affection kindness and support to actually happen, there needs to be attention focused on the other person. Keeping this in mind, the presenter's definition of love was the "unconditional gift of attention to another." As you pay attention to your partner & vice versa, the other components fall into place.

So, mulling this over, now think about times where you have withheld attention from your partner and then wonder why you feel so disconnected that you aren't having physical intimacy or closeness. Then think about those times when you demonstrate a desire to pay attention to your partner. They probably respond more lovingly and connected. So, if you're not demonstrating to your partner love through paying them loving attention, it's easy to see why you may not be feeling connected to them. You have the opportunity to change this starting today!

Who's Need is it Anyway?

2010-03-25T22:11:00.000-07:00

When you see your partner struggling, how do you handle it? Do you support your partner? Or do you try to save them from their struggle? If you're trying to save them, it's time to take a step back and look at your motivations. How do you know your partner wants to be saved?

During a partner's struggle, if you find yourself trying to "fix" the problem, yet your partner hasn't indicated they want to be helped, then most likely your motivations are based on your needs rather than what your partner needs from you. The danger in this is you establish an unhealthy dynamic where you can become a "crutch" to your partner: a type of dependence that prevents your partner from being an individual because your need to "fix" them becomes more important than allowing your partner to have an opportunity for growth and self-exploration.

Sure, it's difficult to see someone you care about struggle. Rather than jumping in and trying to save them, ask them how you can help. They may just need you to be a sounding board. Maybe they need feedback from you. However, they may just require space to struggle, or they may demonstrate they don't want your help & are willing to struggle regardless of the cost. In those instances, you have to be strong enough to take a step back and let them struggle. This can be extremely difficult, and self-care will become essential so you don't try to "save" your partner if they don't want to be saved.

The Impact of Honesty

2010-03-12T10:19:00.000-08:00

What does honesty mean to you? How do you feel when you learn your partner isn't honest with you? Hurt? Betrayed? How do you feel when you aren't honest with your partner? Guilty? Ashamed? Anxious? As you notice, the emotions associated with a lack of honesty aren't positive and can cause a breakdown in communication and trust. So then why aren't people more honest with their partners?

It seems the #1 reason is the fear of how their partner will react if they hear the truth. There's a fear of disappointing their partner, or may not want to invoke an argument with their partner, so they believe the dishonesty will be better for all concerned; however, the fact is that while the truth may trigger hurt feelings or an argument, finding out your partner was not honest with you can have longer, and more severe, impacts in the long-run.

A second reason someone might lie is to maintain a behavior they aren't ready to give up. This is also known as "having your cake and eating it too." In such cases, they want to be able to "keep you" in the relationship, but they want to also continue engaging in the negative behaviors. This kind of lifestyle ultimately can destroy a relationship, unless you agree to tolerate it.

In either case, honesty is an important component of a relationship. The lack of honesty can erode the very foundation of a healthy relationship and ultimately will cause ongoing suspicion, turbulence and unhealthy behaviors from both people in the relationship.

Rescuing Others vs. Rescuing Yourself

2010-03-04T23:06:00.000-08:00

There is a reason when someone is drowning, a life preserver is thrown to the person rather than another person jumping in after them. Why? Because when someone is drowning, they will climb upon whatever they can to try to keep themselves afloat, usually at the risk of whatever they're climbing upon. If it happens to be another person, the danger of both the rescuer and rescuee drowning.

If you are in a relationship where your partner is dealing with an illness, depression, or even an addiction, there may be times where you will watch your partner struggle & even feel like they're drowning. You may deal with periods of helplessness or hopelessness when they make decisions that you don't agree with. You want them to follow doctor's orders or treatment guidelines, but they don't want to. You may feel compelled to give them their medications or make their doctor appointments, in order to keep them compliant with their treatment. Have you ever asked yourself why you care more about them getting better than they do themselves? If so, read on...

Because you care about your partner, you want to do whatever you can in order to help them. The problem is you're exhausted trying to convince them to take care of themselves. You're attempts to rescue them can easily result in burning out because you're trying to rescue someone who might not want to be rescued. So then the question becomes: Why does rescuing your partner become more important than rescuing yourself? There is a difference between providing healthy support to a partner in need and trying to rescue them from their own situation. At some point, your partner has to take responsibility for themselves. Doing the work for them will not help them get better and it increases the potential of your own burnout. Take care of yourself and, in turn, you'll be able to be stronger for your partner.

Your Relationship Starts with YOU

2010-02-25T23:09:00.000-08:00

Most of these weekly tips focus on being relating to your partner, but this week's tip focuses on an even more important relationship... the one you have with yourself!

It's important to know yourself... what you're willing to tolerate... what you can accept... and the boundaries & values that you're not willing to compromise on. If you have "dealbreakers" it's important to be honest with yourself (and your partner) as to how you will deal with these issues should they arise within your relationship. So what do you do if you're confronted with these dealbreakers? Well, ultimately it's your decision and you have to be honest with yourself and determine if you can truly accept the behavior that you originally said you couldn't live with. Your values might have changed, or your circumstances have changed, so tolerating the "dealbreaker" may be more livable. However, there may be circumstances where you may have to decide that you absolutely cannot accept.

So what are you willing to do in those cases? This is where you have to start with the relationship with yourself. You may be able to set & maintain healthy boundaries and remain in the relationship successfully. You may have to make a tough decision to walk away from the relationship altogether. Whatever you decide, know that being honest with yourself, maintaining your integrity and recognizing the importance of self-respect, living with a relationship that challenges your integrity and self-respect will lead to self-resentment, which won't make your relationship easier.

Be true to yourself... be true to your partner... be true to the relationship.

Setting Boundaries

2010-02-18T23:11:00.000-08:00

When your partner is continually treating you in a manner you find disrespectful, how do you handle it? Do you ask them stop? Do you throw out "threats" if they don't stop? Do you follow through with your consequences? If you feel like you're constantly asking over and again for your partner to cease the behaviors, but there's no consequences for their actions, then by what reason do they have to stop?

Sometimes, your decision NOT to take any action conveys a message to your partner that you're willing to tolerate (or even accept!) the negative behaviors. So what can you do? First, determine what you're willing to do if your partner treats you in a disrespectful way. Ignore the behavior? Disengage from the situation? And maybe even be willing to leave the relationship if the behaviors are extreme? Second, calmly let your partner know how their behaviors affect you and what you need to do to respect yourself. Then, follow through with what you decide if your partner doesn't respect your boundaries. It may be difficult, but consider this:

Why would someone respect your boundaries if you're not willing to respect yourself first?

Supportive vs. Rescuing

2010-02-11T22:27:00.000-08:00

If you've ever had a relationship where your partner is dealing with an illness, it's easy to feel helpless, especially if your partner is struggling or isn't taking their treatment seriously. There is a fine line between supporting your partner and trying to rescue them. It's important to realize you cannot save someone who doesn't want to be rescued. You can; however, support them towards following their treatment plan. So how can you help? Ask how you can help in being supportive. Listen to their response and determine if their response is reasonable. If it is, and you're willing, then do it!

In addition, make sure you're getting the support you need to maintain your own source of strength. Caring for another can be taxing and at times, downright exhausting. By making sure you're maintaining a level of self-care and accessing your own support system, you'll be more apt to provide consistent support for your partner. So make sure you're not neglecting yourself when you're helping another. And realize the difference between providing support & trying to work harder than your partner with an illness that you have no control over. It'll make a world of difference in your relationship.

Keeping the "Wind in Your Sails"

2010-02-05T00:26:00.000-08:00

This week, I had a client who was really excited by something she had accomplished. In sharing with her partner, his (what she perceived as a ) less-than-enthusiastic response resulted in his "taking the wind out of [her] sails." It's common to want support from our partners; however, it is important to remember just because your partner may not experience the same level of excitement or emotion doesn't mean they aren't supportive and doesn't mean your information is any less worthy. You have a right to your opinions, feelings and experiences just as much as your partner does.

So, the next time you recognize your partner isn't as enthusiastic or as interested in a specific topic as you would like, rather than allowing the "wind" to be knocked out of your "sails," give yourself permission to continue to relish in your feelings and express to your partner why this topic is important to you, in order to provide your partner a better understanding of your perspective of the situation. Respecting each other's differences and learning how to work among those differences are important keys to a good relationship.

A Gesture A Day

2010-01-28T20:24:00.000-08:00

You've heard of the adage, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away?" This is considered preventative medicine. What do you do for preventative medicine for your relationship? A small gesture everyday can make a world of difference as you let your partner know how you feel about them. Whether it's snuggling a bit in bed before starting your day, leaving them a love note or even just reaching for their hand & squeezing it as you're walking together, such gestures demonstrate to your partner that your involved in the relationship and you're happy to be together.

What Are You "Really" Arguing About?

2010-01-21T17:21:00.000-08:00

Have you ever noticed how you want to discuss something important to you, but in presenting it to your partner, you realize your issue has been skirted and now you're talking about conflicts that might have happened a week, a month or even years ago? How did it go South so quickly? How did unrelated topics get brought into the original conversation? Trying to yell over one another and bringing in unrelated topics can be destructive and hurtful. Here's some ideas to make your discussions more productive:

1) Write out specifically what you want to say. This will help you remain focused and stay on task.
2) Don't read off the entire list and expect your partner to absorb it all, especially if your requests are going to focus on your partner's behaviors.
3) Read one item at a time and discuss each item separately. If either of you begin to demonstrate any defensiveness, postpone the conversation, and the list, for a later time, to give each of you a chance to process what has been said so far and to calm yourselves down so you can resume your discussion.

What is Commitment?

2010-01-14T11:43:00.000-08:00

It's real easy to say you're "committed" to another, but what does that really mean? Does it mean you vow not to be physically intimate with anyone else? Does it mean you want this person to be in your life for eternity? Or does it mean something else?

If you haven't really given much thought to this word "commitment," I encourage you to start think about it now. To make a relationship work, "commitment" must be much more than just the act of promising fidelity to your partner. It's also not so self-centered that it means to want this person in "your" life for "eternity." "Commitment" must be the demonstration of what you're willing to do to for your partner...to demonstrate that you want to be invested in their world more than they are a part of your world. By demonstrating your own willingness, your partner will want to reciprocate that demonstration of willingness and commitment.

If you realize you're working harder at demonstrating commitment to your partner more than they are reciprocating, then it's time to evaluate if the level of your partner's commitment is enough for you. If it is, then great! You've made a good match. If not, then you may need to evaluate whether this is the right relationship for you. You cannot convince your partner to be more committed any more than your partner can convince you to be less committed than you want to be. But if you haven't had a discussion as to how the 2 of you define commitment, you may want to start here and determine if you're on the same page to minimize misunderstandings and disappointment of unmet expectations.

Starting off the New Year Right!

2010-01-08T15:00:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a peaceful and joyous holiday season as we start the 2nd decade of the new millenium...

The holidays are stressful for many people. You can either choose to linger onto the tension that was created by family, friends or loved ones, or you can learn from it and bring those lessons with you into 2010. Holding onto anger and becoming resentful of your partner doesn't provide you the space needed to foster a loving relationship. Take a look at what you can do differently when your partner begins to evoke negative feelings within you and realize you have the control to respond differently. You don't have to engage in an argument if you don't want to. You don't have to respond to your partner when you know you're being baited into conflict.

It's easy to think, "Sure... you say that, but if I don't respond they're going to get angry with me!" That may be true, but think of this...If you're about to get baited into an argument, then your partner is going to get angry anyway. So either way, the result is an angry partner. But it doesn't mean you have to get angry with them. Look at how you would choose to handle a situation and make a commitment to follow through with that choice. If a peaceful, sit-down discussion is your preference, but your partner isn't in the frame of mind to handle such an interaction, then do what you must to maintain your own boundaries. Your partner will either consider your feelings or they won't, but at least you will have maintained your level of integrity in the situation.

Happy New Year!!

Respect Yourself First

2009-12-23T22:16:00.000-08:00

Relationships are based on several simple principles: trust, honesty, love, and respect. However, there is an expectation that these principles are a given... that they are a right. With such thinking, it's easy to see why couples get into conflict so easily. They "demand" respect, trust and honesty, but these ideals aren't a given right... they need to be earned.

Why would anyone respect you if you're not willing to respect yourself first? If your partner is acting in a way that hurts you, tolerating the negative behavior only demonstrates to your partner that it's okay they treat you this way. The only way this unwanted behavior will cease is to demonstrate (not just talk about it) how you will not tolerate the behavior. In some cases, it may mean taking a stand and be willing to walk away from a relationship. But think about this... why would you want to remain in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you?

10 Ways to Unhappily Ever After, Guaranteed

2009-12-15T07:39:00.001-08:00

10 Ways to Unhappily Ever After, Guaranteed

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Intimacy

2009-12-10T18:03:00.000-08:00

When you think of being intimate with your partner, what's the first thing that comes to mind? If you said, "sex" or "physical intimacy" then you are in the majority. It's no wonder when I work with couples, many times they mention in the first couple of sessions how they "never have sex anymore" or the quality of the physical intimacy has waned over the years. I'll let you in on a little secret: (with the exception of a physiological ailment) the quality of your love life IN the bedroom mirrors the quality of the intimacy OUTSIDE of the bedroom.

Think of it this way... physical intimacy is a means to connect with your partner in a powerful way. However, if you aren't making the commitment to connect with your partner in other, positive ways, then is it really feasible to expect everything to fall into place in the bedroom? If you want to connect with your partner physically, then you have to make an effort to connect with them outside the bedroom first. Take a good look at how you interact with them when you see them upon getting home from work... Do you scowl at each other? Do you immediately go to separate rooms? Is one person in the kitchen cleaning up dinner while the other is playing on a computer? Notice the lack of connection... there's no support, communication or demonstration of wanting to connect with one another in these examples... yet, suddenly... there's an expectation to be connected in the bedroom. It's unrealistic.

So, if you want to increase your physical intimacy with your partner, start by looking at positive connections outside the bedroom...it'll make connecting IN the bedroom much more worthwhile!

Integrity

2009-12-05T10:55:00.000-08:00

When you picture someone who has integrity, what characteristics do this person have? You might think of someone who follows through on their commitments, is honest with others, is reliable, and possibly many other characteristics of this nature. There's another characteristic, which many people overlook. To have integrity means not only to be honest with others but to be honest with oneself.

If you agree to decisions or go along with situations within your relationship that you truly don't agree with in order to "keep the peace," or "not rock the boat," then how honest are you being with yourself? How much integrity are you demonstrating to yourself? To your partner? To the relationship? In the short-term, it may seem like you are "keeping the peace," but if the situation/decision begins to gnaw at your gut, then this will only foster resentment in the long run... but the resentment won't be about your partner, it'll be about the choice you made in the beginning to agree to a situation to which you (if you were honest with yourself in the first place) didn't agree with initially.

So, is it really worth maintaining silence when that silence will later result in resentment? Only you can answer this... but also ask yourself, "Is this really worth compromising my integrity?"

Stealing Your Partner's Choice

2009-11-25T23:51:00.000-08:00

Ever have the experience where your partner makes plans but doesn't include you until the plans are set in motion? Have you ever really wanted to make a change for yourself, but fear your partner's reaction might be of resistance, so you wait until there's no way of backing out?

What you or your partner are essentially doing in situations like this is stealing your partner's choice to have input on the situation. You have just dictated your partner's course without getting their input as to how they feel about the situation. The reasons could be many: you don't want to be swayed from your decision, you don't want to get in an argument with your partner, or maybe even you're fearful your partner may leave you if they don't agree with the choice.

What potentially (and most likely) will happen is that your partner will agree to your choices, as they will feel they have no choice, only to later feel resentful towards themselves for going along with something they really didn't want to go along with, and that resentment will negatively impact the relationship. Do you really want to be in a relationship that requires you to manipulate your partner or, in turn, be manipulated?

The answer is simple: TALK with your partner about your desires to make changes that may impact them and/or the dynamics of your relationship. The discussions might not be easy, but if both of you are willing to talk to each other openly, honestly, and respectfully, then the possibility of making successful changes is much more likely.

Define Yourself!

2009-11-20T00:14:00.000-08:00

Have you ever experienced a situation where your gut is telling you that you need to speak up to your partner, but you "know" how your partner is going to react, so you choose to stay quiet? Because, what's the point, right? You "know" it'll just be another argument or you'll end up regretting it. However, what really occurs is an inner conflict, resulting in resentment that you didn't speak up to begin with and you take it out on your partner, who didn't know you were upset with the situation anyway. After a while, you realize you've lost "yourself or your "voice" in this relationship. Sound familiar?

Consider this: At what point did you decide the fear of your partner's possible reaction become more important than the need to speak up about something you felt was important to you? What gives your partner's needs, reactions, and/or responses more weight to the relationship than your own?

In order for you to have a "voice" in the relationship, you must be able to use your "voice." Silencing yourself isn't the way to maintain a healthy relationship. Absence of conflict is not a sign of a healthy relationship. Speaking up and providing a "voice" to issues that are important to you IS a healthy way of maintaining your identity and defining yourself as a viable partner in the relationship.

Compromise? Or Accommodation?

2009-11-12T00:24:00.000-08:00

How many times have you found yourself attempting to find resolution over a problem, to which one of you compromise on an issue and then resent yourself and your partner because you agreed to terms that you're not happy with? If this is the case, the negotiation, which took place, didn't result in compromise, but with accommodation -- a killer of relationships for sure. What is the difference? Let's take a look:

Accommodation: Accommodation is essentially the same as "giving in." You're "agreeing" to the arrangement, but inside, you may be feeling bitter, resentful, angry or upset with the agreement. You might describe this as a means to keep the peace or prevent an argument. This self-sacrifice is detrimental to a relationship because you've agreed to something that goes against your better judgment. The question to ask yourself is: Why would you agree to something that you don't want to agree to? Often times, these justifications backfire, because resent builds over time, so an argument prevented today may result in a larger argument later.

Compromise: The basis of compromise is when 2 people come together and find some way, through negotiation, to agree on a situation that doesn't result in bitterness or resentment towards one another. There might be some sacrificing going on to reach this agreement, but the sacrifice isn't causing an inner "tug-of-war" like the process of accommodation. The arrangement may not be ideal, but both parties work together to ensure they aren't "giving in" just to keep the peace or prevent an argument.

How do you ensure you're compromising rather than accommodating? You can start by being true to yourself, and honest with your partner. If you aren't feeling good about the decision, then be open about the inner conflict you are having and be open with your partner. Don't agree to something that you'll regret agreeing to later. Do agree on that which you can honestly live with the consequences of your decisions. This is a more proactive way of dealing with conflict.

Dealing with conflict

2009-11-05T15:21:00.001-08:00

Since I work with couples, many of them express wanting the goal to have the "perfect" relationship. Sure, we would all like to have the "perfect" relationship -- no fighting, no disagreements, everything just seems to "mesh" perfectly. The truth is the "perfect" relationship is a myth, because you haven't partnered up with your clone. You fell in love with someone who compliments you in some ways and conflicts with you in others... the key is hopefully there are more compliments than conflicts. So how do you approach the conflictual times so they don't overshadow all the good in the relationship? Well, there are some "DO's" and DON'Ts" when dealing with conflict:

DO stay focused on the issue.
DON'T get sidetracked or pile on irrelevant issues.
DO state your needs clearly.
DON'T give mixed messages.
DO tell your partner what you need from them & state clearly what that would look like for you.
DON'T focus on what you don't want from them.
DO give your partner equal opportunity to talk about the conflict from their perspective.
DON'T shut your partner off from having equal time and say in the conflict.
DO express positive statements of action to help resolve the conflict.
DON'T make threats of actions (breaking up, divorce, etc.) you will later regret.
DO express your difficulty with your partner's actions (if they triggered the conflict in the first place).
DON'T belittle them, put them down, or use a condescending tone to make your point.
DO recognize the actions that contributed to the conflict -- your partner's as well as your own.
DON'T assume your partner is 100% at fault in the conflict. It takes 2 to tango.
DO express your feelings to your partner.
DON'T take your feelings out on your partner.

Once both of you have had your say:

DO express your love to each other with kind words to separate the difference between the conflict and the rest of your relationship.
DON'T withhold love from each other.
DO give yourself space and your partner space.
DON'T try to rehash the point over and over.
DO provide for some quiet, positive "make up" time for you and your partner.
DON'T expect that positive time to be physically-based.
DO allow yourself and your partner an opportunity to demonstrate the willingness to make positive change within the relationship.
DON'T go hunting for faults nor sabotage your partner's efforts.

Being There...

2009-10-29T22:11:00.000-07:00

Your partner is dealing with a stressful time at work, may be dealing with a family crisis, or has even experienced a medical trauma. You might not be able to relate to what they are going through, but it doesn't mean your partner doesn't need your support. How do you provide your partner support?

The best place to start is recognize when your partner might be needing help. Do their moods seem different? Do they seem more irritable, moody or withdrawn? Do they seem to have difficulty maintaining their regular routine? These are all signs they may be struggling with the stress and this is the time to keep the lines of communication open.

Ask your partner what you can do to help. It may be as simple as a hug or some words of encouragement. They may say they need help with the kids or a household chore. It may be that there's nothing they need from you, but the fact you took the time to check in with them and ask how you can be supportive will go a long way! It's the little gestures that mean the most.

Having the Proverbial Cake...

2009-10-22T22:11:00.000-07:00

There seems to be a common theme amongst many clients I've seen this week. They "want their cake and eat it too." What do I mean by this? Many times I hear from clients how important it is to save their relationship... they express common themes such as "I don't want to lose him/her," "S/he is the most important person in my life," or "I'm doing everything I can to save this relationship." However, when we explore the choice they are making, what I learn is how willing people are to maintain unhealthy habits that directly impact the relationship in a negative way: keeping in touch with an old flame, continue indulging in alcohol or drug patterns, or even staying late at work often at the expense of the family.

So I have to ask myself (and ask my clients), if your relationship is as important to you as you state it is, why you would you want to continue engaging in behaviors, which will negatively impact the relationship? Saving the relationship may mean having to give up contact with the old flame, ceasing to use alcohol or drugs, or finding a better balance between work and family. You'll want to ask yourself, "Why is it so difficult for me to give these things/people up?" Be honest with yourself...be honest with your partner. Attempting to "have your cake and eat it too" ultimately sends a message to your partner that the relationship may not be as important to you as your stating.

Priorities

2009-10-15T21:59:00.000-07:00

This time is full of responsibilities: children, bills, finances, work, health.....but where does your relationship fit in?

You need to give your relationship equal time to be successful. If you've ever said, "We'll see what happens, then your essentially saying, "I'm going to sit back and do nothing, but still expect something to change." How can the relationship change if you aren't doing anything to make the change happen?

What do you want to happen differently? What are you doing to make that change happen? For example, you want to spend more time with your partner. You and your partner made time for each other when you first met. How did you make time for each other then? You went on dates. You would agree on a time to go out, be picked up at the door and spend an evening together. You did it once! You can do it again! Start by setting at least one night a month for the two of you to go out. Get a babysitter (if needed), make reservations and enjoy the time to reconnect.

Remember, the daily stressors of bills, finances and work will be there the next day. One day the children will be off and having families of their own. Your health may not be what it is today. For all these reasons, today is the day to make a strong connection with your partner....and keep it nourished and healthy.

Danger or Opportunity?

2009-10-08T18:59:00.000-07:00

When relationships get too hard, the first inclination for many is to "get out" as implementing change is a lot of work. Conflicts seem never-ending, disconnection seems to be the "norm," and intimacy seems to dwindle. This could overwhelm even the strongest of relationships. This combination puts many couples in crisis mode. However, the Chinese character for "crisis" actually represents the words "danger" + "opportunity."

The "danger" of the relationship failing leads to many "opportunities" for change, for growth, for a better outcome. There is the "opportunity" to work on being a better person for yourself and the relationship... the "opportunity" to heal deep-seated, emotional wounds to be a better partner... the "opportunity" to better define and express your needs to your partner so you can determine how to best move forward within the relationship.

So, try looking at the "crisis" in your relationship as an "opportunity" to make positive change.

"Throw Away the Key"

2009-10-01T17:42:00.000-07:00

How easy is it to have an argument with your partner only to get so flustered or angry that you are ready to call it quits? Maybe you've had thoughts like, "Why should we even try?" or "I should just walk away before it gets worse...it'll never change." Possibly you've even heard the "D" word (divorce) being slung around during an argument.

Here's the thing... if you don't want to end your relationship, then what good is it to start having such thoughts or make such threats? Nothing positive can come out of such actions or thoughts. Once those thoughts start entering your mind, it can become an "out" of sorts. It's easy for your mind to think, "See? Nothing's changing. I should just end it." This becomes a perpetuating, downward spiral, which can result in negative results.

Instead, visualize yourself taking a key, which represents that "out," and imagine yourself throwing it into a vast ocean, never to be found again. As you're throwing that "key" into the water, make a commitment to yourself not to give up so easily. As you have difficult times with your partner, remind yourself there is no "key"... no "out," and to renew your commitment to weather the storms.

My clients who try this exercise find a renewed commitment to the process, and to their relationship, as they aren't looking for the quick fix, but looking for the right way to handle problems.

"Fireproof" Your Relationship

2009-09-25T13:37:00.000-07:00

I'm not usually one to push specific resources on this list, but the film "Fireproof" has been brought up several times with my clients in recent weeks, so it would be a shame not to forward on a good resource.

If you are experiencing ongoing conflict, misunderstandings, feelings of disconnect or feelings of being "alone" in your relationship, then you will want to consider watching this movie, about a couple on the verge of divorce, and learn what it really means to be committed to your partner, take personal responsibility for your own role in the relationship, and explores how blame, expectations and complacency can damage a relationship.

I want to put a disclaimer here that the film is heavily weighted with Christian-themes and the acting is definitely not Oscar-worthy. I state these points not from a prejudicial viewpoint, but to prepare yourself in the event the themes are not congruent with your own, personal views. If you can work through any incongruences (if they exist at all) and concentrate on the relationship dynamics, it can be a worthwhile resource.

Know When to Say When

2009-09-17T20:52:00.001-07:00

You and your partner have a disagreement. You sense tensions are rising. Do you engage in the conversation to prove your point? Or do you know when to allow your partner the space they need to express their concerns and not get defensive? This is a hard place to be when you're also feeling angry, but note:

Anger prevents people from expressing what really needs to be expressed.
Anger prevents people from hearing what you're really trying to say, resulting in further misunderstandings.

If you recognize tensions running high, consider what is more important in the moment: being right versus being able to hear what your partner is saying so that you can have an opportunity to voice your perspective rationally and have a greater chance of being heard.

Defensiveness begets defensiveness and no one wins. So consider making the choice not to argue in order to have better communication. That's the best way to get your voice heard.

Dealing with your Partner's Pain

2009-09-09T08:38:00.001-07:00

When your partner expresses pain, whether it be sadness, hurt, or frustration, how do you deal with it? Do you really listen to what is ailing your partner and provide support? Or do you try to make them feel better because it hurts you too much to see them in pain? If you're doing the latter, you are probably missing what your partner is trying to tell you. Most likely, your partner may not want you to "fix" them, but just to empathize with their pain, demonstrate your appreciation of their experience and ask them how you can be most supportive in their time of need.

Of all the people your partner could have relied on to share this pain, they chose to share their feelings with you. If you want to maintain a healthy relationship, don't shut them off by trying to "fix" their problem, offer them "silver linings," or show them the positive side of their sadness. It may be difficult to see your partner in pain... it'll be more difficult later when your partner chooses not to share their feelings with you at all because your needs to make them feel better became more important than supporting them in the first place.

Whose Need Is It Anyway?

2009-09-03T22:03:00.000-07:00

How many times have you told your partner, "You need to .... " or "You have to do ...."? This is a really misleading statement this is really a way to say to your partner what you need or expect of your partner. The problem with this statement is your partner may not (in fact they often won't!) have the same needs as yourself. As a result, you may experience disappointment or resentment for unmet expectations. Furthermore, this statement sounds commanding, which could result in immediate defensiveness. Instead, consider letting your partner know what you need. For example, "I need the laundry to be folded. Would you mind helping me?" This lets your partner understand your need as well as the reason for your request. If your partner is unable or unwilling to meet that need, you now have the ability to make decisions to meet your own needs.

Don't Limit Your Communication

2009-08-28T07:48:00.000-07:00

Most couples tend to limit their communication over important topics to 2 occasions: 1) If the issue is time sensitive and they must discuss it, or 2) When emotions are welling up inside and they cannot contain those emotions anymore and "must" discuss the importance of an issue in order to find relief. If your relationship tends to limit conversation to one of these 2 occasions, then it's time to ask yourself how much you're communicating the rest of the time. Why aren't you discussing important issues when things are more calm? More pleasant? These are the best times to discuss important issues as neither of your are heated, less reactive and more willing to listen when you are feeling a positive connection with your partner. So don't wait until you're up against a deadline or you're feeling anxious or angry to discuss an issue. Use your positive connections to have healthier discussions.

Leaving Therapy Before It's Over

2009-03-16T21:11:00.001-07:00

Have you gotten to a point where you don't feel like your therapy is going anywhere?
Are you short on funds and having difficulty attending your sessions on a consistent basis?
Do you feel like you and your therapist aren't "clicking?"

If you've thought "yes" to any of these questions, then you might have considered dropping out of therapy prematurely. Ultimately, you have the right to cease sessions when you feel necessary; however, I see clients leave therapy too early due to financial struggles, something that has occurred in the most recent session that they don't want to process or they feel like they've gotten all they can get out of it.

In situations like these, rather than leaving a voicemail message on your therapist's answering service, I recommend that you attend your next appointment to discuss your concerns with your therapist. If it's a financial concern, your therapist may consider a sliding scale, or space out your sessions a little more, depending on your therapy needs. If you are unsure if you're getting anything out of therapy, you and your therapist can revisit your treatment goals and discuss your progress as well as what you'd like to see from therapy. If you're unhappy with your therapist or upset by something your therapist said during the session, bringing it up to your therapist empowers you and let's your therapist know how you interpreted their intervention.

A good therapist will be open to discussing such issues and will want to understand what didn't work. They may be able to "clear the air" or even explore where the breakdown occurred. Your therapist will respect your decision to leave, but discussing your concerns ultimately provides your therapist with good feedback and you might be able to ultimately leave therapy with a positive experience.

Self-Respect -- How to Get it?

2009-03-05T23:22:00.000-08:00

If you're struggling to get your partner to show you respect, then it may be time to take a look at yourself. If you're not respecting yourself, then what reason does your partner have to respect you? If you feel they talk down to you, ignore you or cause you hurtful feelings, then it's time to decide for yourself what you may be doing that allows your partner to demonstrate such behavior to you. I'm not saying you have control over your partner, but if you're engaging with your partner in some way that shows them you're okay with the way they are treating you, then they have no incentive to change.

Respect is earned. In order to get respect, respect yourself first and demonstrate a level of respect for your partner. In turn, they will have to give you respect if the relationship is worth maintaining.

Help--A Weakness or a Strength?

2009-01-25T18:45:00.000-08:00

Many times when I'm working with couples, I consistently hear how they have difficultly asking their partner for help, "I don't want them to see me as weak." It's interesting how people have this notion that requesting help is a sign a weakness...as if the person should be all-knowing, powerful, or strong at all times. The fact is we're human first. We all have moments of weakness and need to rely on one another for support.

I offer you an alternative view. I suggest that you try to view needing help as an ability to recognize your limitations. Having this type of insight is a strength in itself. Knowing when you need strength, admitting that to yourself and then admitting this to your partner actually conveys, "I recognize I have a limitation and I'm honest & strong enough with myself to let you know." This message can enhance the connection and intimacy between a couple.

Starting your New Year Off Right

2009-01-17T14:40:00.001-08:00

So the holidays are behind us and we've rung in 2009. Have you set any New Year's resolutions? How are you doing with them so far? If you're still continuing with them congrats! You are in the minority of people who have actually set out the goals you want to accomplish. Why is this? Most likely, you've chosen something important to you...something that has meaning to you...

Many times, goals are not achieved because people establish goals that really don't have enough priority in their lives or are too unrealistic or vague to attain. "I want to lose 20 by the beginning of February," or "I want to be a better spouse."

Consider making realistic goals that have the potential to be measurable and attainable. "I will lose 2-3 pounds weekly," or "I will call my spouse daily to check in with them for the next month." This gives you an opportunity to really see if you are following through with your goals. If you aren't, then it's time to examine if these goals are really important to you...if they aren't, then it's time to amend them.

What does this have to do with relationships? Start with looking at where your relationship is at. What is one thing you can (and want to) do that will help you achieve the relationship you want? Start small and work to bigger goals as you gain momentum. Sometimes, it's the smallest efforts that achieve the greatest results.

Working Together

2008-12-14T19:21:00.000-08:00

Maybe you have personally experienced a situation where you and your partner have made a decision, only to continue arguing about the situation long after the agreement. Couples make joint decisions all the time. So then why does conflict ensue if the couple agrees on the decision?

Well, even though a decision was made, both parties aren't really "okay" with the outcome of the decision. So then how could there possibly be an agreement? Perhaps you've agreed to a decision, thinking if you compromise, then the arguing will end and you and your partner can move on with your lives.

Actually, this is a common phenomenon. People will "give in" to a decision, even if they don't agree with it for all sorts of reasons: to keep the peace, ambivalence, fear of making a decision, etc. The problem is by "giving in" when you don't agree to the terms results in resentment. Really, this isn't compromising because one of you feels like you're "giving in" and not getting anything out of the agreement. This is accommodating, not compromising. Compromising is when both of you give a little and get a little in return.

So what can you do? Don't "give in" to a decision if you really can't live with the terms of the outcome. It means it's not the right decision for you, and that's okay. It's better if the two of you to continue finding alternatives that work for the two of you, rather than succumbing to a decision that results in harboring resentment.

Choices

2008-12-06T00:51:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been working with many couples who are realizing how the choices they make contradict what they really want. They say they want to be in a trustworthy relationship, only to choose a partner they inherently don't trust. Or they want to be in an intimate relationship, but choose a partner who travels a lot, is a workaholic or maintains a level of emotional distance. They come to me with the hopes that I can help them "change" their partner or wants me to prove that their partner is "wrong." The fact is there is so much focus on the other person rather than themselves.

This situation is actually more common than you might actually believe. How many times have you tried to convince your partner that your version of the situation is the right one, while they are wrong. Why is it so important that one must be "right" and the other be "wrong?" The fact is we all have our own reality of the situation and those realities aren't always going to coincide.

Rather than trying to change your partner, I suggest you look at your own role in the choices you've made. Are you choosing to be the "fixer" but hate the fact that your partner depends on you to "fix" everything? Have you chosen to be the planner of your weekends, but resent the fact that your partner never "steps up" to help with coming up with ideas? If you realize that you are making choices that are resulting in resentment, it might be time to make different choices.

It's time to look at your own actions in the relationship to see what choices you're making that could be negatively impacting you and, in turn, impacting your relationship in a negative way. Making healthier choices for yourself, can result in positive changes in your relationship.

Fostering Intimacy

2008-11-15T00:58:00.000-08:00

Last week I went to a conference specifically for couples training. I walked away with a lot of information, but one caveat that stood out is how many couples engage in situations which prevent them from achieving the thing they want most. Many couples I work with complain of wanting more intimacy or "connection," in their relationship. However, they sabotage any chance of obtaining that intimacy because they cannot be honest with themselves, nor their partner. The relationship becomes built upon façades and masks...for each person to only see what they think their partner wants to see, rather than showing each other who they "truly" are.

As the relationship continues, the need to appease each other becomes more important than maintaining their own values and beliefs. Whether it's because they want to "keep the peace," or are afraid of hurting their partner, it's often seen that couples begin to "bite their tongue" or "pick and choose their battles." What ends up resulting is resentment and frustration. Neither of these feelings are productive nor beneficial towards fostering an intimate relationship.

The bottom line is you can't be intimate if you can't be honest....with yourself....with your partner.

Having Realistic Expectations

2008-10-25T12:21:00.000-07:00

If you're finding yourself having difficulties within your relationship, the sooner they can be addressed, the more likely you'll be able to overcome the problems. I worked with a couple this week who expected me to be able to resolve all their problems in 75-minutes; however, they have had conflicts for 18 years! I wish I had my "magic wand" with me that night, but obviously, there is no such thing.

The fact is that it requires ongoing work, patience and open communication to overcome reoccurring problems. There is no quick fix or "magic wand" to repair damage that has surfaced time and again. If you and your partner are working on maintaining or even repairing your relationship, make sure you have realistic expectations of the situation and each other. This can only help your situation and enlighten you to the strengths & weaknesses each of you bring to the table.

Adapting to Change

2008-10-14T05:36:00.001-07:00

Relationships and people must evolve and grow. Events in your lives will ultimately impact your relationship. Whether it's buying a new home, changing jobs or having a baby, these events will cause you to make changes to your routine and those changes will trickle down onto your relationship. Allow yourself and your partner room to adapt to these changes. Make accommodations for one another as you work together to make a new routine that will work for you individually as well as a couple. If you find that the new routine isn't working for you, speak up! Don't allow the routine to become so engrained that you become resentful.

By making such allowances and accommodations, you and your partner can grow together as time and changes evolve.

The End of a Relationship

2008-09-18T22:27:00.000-07:00

While this is a blog for counseling and relationships, the fact is some relationships do end. If you are coming to the end of your relationship, it can be a very difficult and emotional time. If you are at this place, realize that (unless there is abuse involved) there is no reason to rush into a final decision. Take your time. Allow yourself to process the grief that is inherent with such a loss. Grief isn't reserved for the death of a loved one. Grief is applicable to any significant losses in your life. The loss of a relationship that you have invested yourself in is no different.

Once you've taken your time, weighed your options, looked at the potential consequences and given yourself to process the loss, you may still realize that leaving the relationship is in your best interest. That's okay....but give yourself a chance to go through the emotions, seek support (such as a support group or a good counselor or a close friend), and be honest with yourself. In the end, it still may be hard, but at least you're giving yourself all opportunities to determine what is really right for you.

Be Right? Or Be Happy?

2008-09-11T21:58:00.000-07:00

You and your partner are having a disagreement. You're staunchly on one side of the issue, they're on the other. Neither of you want to budge on the issue. It becomes more important to prove your side of the issue rather than listening to your partner's. Does this sound familiar?

It's okay to agree to disagree on an issue. It's even okay if you maintain a difference of an opinion. You won't agree on everything throughout your relationship. It's not possible! It's important to be able to acknowledge the difference and respect that your partner and you are on opposite sides of the issue. It's how you communicate your differences that will help the 2 of you come to a compromise. Acknowledging your partner is not the same as agreeing with your partner. If you're able to say, "I hear your opinion & I can appreciate why you would feel [hurt, sad, angry, etc.]. I feel differently, but we can figure this out," you show your partner respect, while being able to maintain your voice. From this perspective, you can work towards a compromise that both of you can live with.

Happiness means much more to the success of a relationship than being right.

The Family's Influence

2008-08-14T23:02:00.000-07:00

Many times, when working with couples, I hear the infamous words, "I'm not marrying the family. I'm marrying my fiancée!" It may be hard to believe, but two people do not entirely make up the marriage. In addition to the bride and groom, are all the influences that have made the couple who they are, and those influences include parents, siblings, possibly grandparents, aunts, uncles and even cousins, depending on the upbringing.

So, what does this mean? Well, if the couple still has contact with their own family as they move into the marriage, there is a good probability that the family will continue to have some sort of influence as to how the couple will relate to each other. Maybe not in a direct way, but how a person responds to their partner may be the direct result of how they saw their own parents and family relate to each other when they were younger. If the family is still involved, those reactions and behaviors could potentially be magnified.

So, how to handle the "too-many-chefs" syndrome? It's important the couple learn how to set appropriate boundaries with each other and with the family to uphold the new family unit as the newlyweds attempt to establish themselves as a married couple. Second, maintaining open, healthy communication with each other will help to understand the feelings that may erupt. Third, refrain from ultimatums and the attempt to control your partner, as this can result in resentment and anger towards each other and with yourself.

How Blaming Hurts

2008-08-05T19:57:00.000-07:00

When I see a new couple in my office, there tends to be an overwhelming propensity to point fingers and blame the their partner as to why they're in counseling, why their marriage is so bad, why they're ready to leave the relationship. Let's look at the art of blaming...

Blaming is really a process where a person is upset with themselves and rather than looking inward as to what they might have done to cause the current outcome, it's much easier to point the finger at another person. Being upset with yourself feels uncomfortable. It means that you aren't perfect and you have flaws. That's okay! Who *is* perfect? Who *doesn't* have flaws? You're human! It's learning from those flaws that makes you a stronger, healthier partner. So, rather than concentrating on your partner's flaws, start taking responsibility and look at your own.

Maybe you're upset that you haven't spoken up enough about a bothersome issue. Maybe you're ticked off that you've tolerated behaviors from your partner that caused you to compromise your own values and beliefs. Whatever the reason, start looking inside yourself and determine what *you* can do differently to get the relationship *you* want. Not only will it be a way for you to grow, you'll be a good role model for your partner.

"I" versus "We"

2008-06-15T21:22:00.000-07:00

Two individuals come together to form a relationship. Somewhere along the timeline, the word "I" starts to become the word "we." This can be a symbol of a strong union between these two people. It can signify a healthy collaboration where issues are negotiated, and agreed upon, resulting in the "we," demonstrating those agreements.

However, in many circumstances, I see in my practice couples who use "we" as a replacement for the "I." Somewhere along the way, one or both people forget that they were once individuals, and have compromised their own values and beliefs. As a result, the "we" develops out of such compromises. Rather than saying, "I would like to go to the grocery store," the couple may start to say, "We need to go grocery shopping." Another situation may be where one wants to go out to dinner, but constantly defers their preference choice to their partner.

This "we-ness" isn't necessarily healthy as suddenly, the individuals have morphed into one. This type of compromise can result in the suppression or surrendering of personal needs. If this occurring in your relationship, it's not too late to reclaim yourself and for your partner to reclaim themselves. It can feel uncomfortable, especially if you're in a long-term relationship as you & your partner might be stuck in patterns for a longer period of time.

It doesn't mean all hope is lost. People can change if they are willing to. Change is scary, but it can be very beneficial to your relationship as well as each of you individually. Change allows for growth. If you & your partner are willing to work together and make the changes necessary, there's nothing to say you can't be happy in your relationship.

Your Counselor's License

2008-05-10T22:17:00.000-07:00

In any profession, you have the good eggs and the bad apples. When looking for a counselor, you want to know your therapist holds a license with their respective state and they are in good standing with their licensing board. Why is this important? Therapy is a unique relationship. You leave yourself vulnerable to you can rebuild yourself and heal. You want to know the person you choose to go through this process is ethical and understands the laws, so you can remain safe.

Every state has their own licensing boards, which regulate therapists on both an ethical and legal level. You have the right, as a potential client, to know whether the therapist has any complaints filed against them. The American Association of Marriage & Family Therapy (AAMFT) has provided a link, allowing you to access licensing boards throughout the United States. Upon verifying the therapist's license, you'll be able to ascertain information, such as verification of their license, whether they are in good standing and if there are any outstanding complaints against the therapist.

The information is there to reduce the risk of getting involved with a bad apple. Use it to your benefit and ensure you start therapy on the right foot!

Keeping a Relationship Strong

2008-04-21T22:55:00.000-07:00

All too often, expectations of a partner can be the downfall of the relationship if those expectations aren't made known to the other person. By recognizing those expectations and being able to voice them to your partner, you give your partner a fair opportunity to respond to those expectations. Let's see how expectations can impact your relationship:

Who is in YOUR relationship?

A relationship is between 2 people. So why is it so easy to allow others to get involved with the relationship? Friends, parents, siblings, and even co-workers give advice on how your relationship "should" be...but according to whom? If you or your partner allows people to influence your relationship, then you aren't giving you or your partner an opportunity to make decisions for yourself. Think of it this way, if 2 stand at an altar, then it's those people who ultimately have to decide what is best for the relationship...no one else. Only you can decide what makes your relationship work. Focus on finding those answers with your partner, not external forces.

Are you a good communicator?

Communicating requires certain components:

A willingness to listen to your partner even if you disagree with their points.
The ability to acknowledge their feelings, as a result of their points.
To take the opportunity of responding without being defensive, so your partner, in turn, can acknowledge your feelings and points without defensiveness.

So ask yourself...are you a good communicator? Or are you good at getting defensive?

Limiting Yourself

Do you or your partner respond to each other with "Yeah....But...."? What are you truly saying when those words leave your lips?

Responses that start with "Yeah..." mean "I agree with you..." or "I understand what you're saying." Follow it up with a "But" now relays the message of "Forget everything I just said and listen to what I really mean." "Yeah...but...." is a way to discount your partner, a way to feel discounted, and a way to break down healthy communication. If you disagree with your partner. It's stronger if you let them know "I honestly hear what you are saying." Reflect that message back to your partner. Then you can follow up with, "I want to let you know how I see it..." and follow up from there. It's a more respectful way to communicate and can help keep lines of communication open.

Is "In Treatment" Really What Happens in Therapy?

2008-04-06T21:30:00.000-07:00

People have asked me this often in the past few weeks. If you've been watching HBO's new series, "In Treatment," you would see a therapist go through the following:

Reciprocating romantic feelings for a client.
Having a client fall in love with another client.
Get into a physical altercation with another client.
Have a teenager attempt suicide in the office.
Go to their own supervisor for personal therapy.

Plus so much more!

In truth, therapists do have struggles and difficult clients, but since 1999, when I began working with clients, I have never experienced most of these issues, as well as practically all the therapists I personally know and affiliate with.

Do clients form romantic feelings for therapists? It can happen, and does happen to most therapists at one time or another. It's a process clients go through when the therapist has proved a safe, nurturing environment for the client to be able to work through their pain and begin to heal. That process is so strong, that a client's feelings may be misconstrued as romantic feelings. A competent therapist recognizes these feelings and uses this interaction to further process the healing.

In general, therapists don't fall in love with their clients (although it has been known to happen), therapists don't push their clients into bookcases, and don't have client attempt suicide in their office. This television show has some wonderful acting and some great moments that draw the viewer in, but remember, it's ultimately a TV show!

If you have seen it and have concerns, please post them! We can address them here!

Corresponding With My Therapist Through Emails

2008-03-25T19:31:00.000-07:00

Recently, I was asked to explain why I discourage clients from emailing me between sessions. I thought in the world of technology, it would be a good topic to address here. I'm not referring to online therapy, but for clients who I usually see in my office, but want to correspond to me via email in between sessions.

Let me start with the issue of confidentiality. There is no way to secure email. It can't be 128-bit encrypted, and it's easier to hack. Plus, there's no guarantee I will receive the email. How many times has someone tolds you they sent you an email, but you never received it? Ouch! Can you imagine sending a lengthy email, contained with personal information, and your therapist never receives it?

Second, emails are easy to be misconstrued. It's very common to misinterpret text messages, emails, etc. because you don't have eye contact, facial expressions, and body language. I, personally, depend on non-verbal communication almost as much as verbal communication when working with the client. I lose a substantial part of the communication through emails.

I understand email and electronic communication is an important means of keeping in contact and is here to stay; however, I believe it's not in your best interest as a client to do therapy over the internet if you are working with me on a regular basis in the office. If clients feel they need to interact with me beyond the weekly session, I encourage them to see me more than once a week, so that they receive the support you are looking for.

Finding a Therapist - Resources

2008-03-23T19:41:00.000-07:00

Finding a therapist can be daunting. You try the Yellow Pages, but that doesn't give you much information. You go to online directories, but when you type in a zip code, 50 different therapists show up! How do you know which one is right for you?

I have a more detailed article seeking a good "fit," which you can find HERE, but here are some good online resources to help narrow down your search:

PsychologyToday.com
Network Therapy.com
Find-A-Therapist.com

What Do You Want to Know?

2008-03-11T23:17:00.000-07:00

Is there something you would like to know about the therapy process that I haven't addressed?

Now is the time and this is the place to ask!

Leave your questions in the comments section at the end of this post and I'll add them to my blog in the form of an entry!

I look forward to hearing from you!!!

**Please note, my responses cannot be replaced for therapy and if you're in therapy, I request you address any concerns with your therapist directly.

Email & Therapy

2008-03-11T22:48:00.000-07:00

Here's a question I received: Why don't you prefer clients to use email when contacting you?

This is a fair question. Let me see if I can explain:

1) I cannot guarantee your confidentiality. There's no way to maintain privacy through email mediums.
2) Emails get "lost." You may send an email and I may never receive it.
3) If it's an emergency, I may not receive it until hours after you've sent it.
4) Emails can be easily misconstrued. Without facial expressions, body language or even voice volume and sound, I have no idea what the emotions are behind the email.

For this reason, I have a personal policy that clients may email me ONLY for the purpose of scheduling/canceling an appointment. I recognize in the world of Blackberries, SmartPhones and iPhones, people are on the go and keep their calendars close at hand.

If emails are your preferred means of communication, speak with your own therapist what their policy regarding use of email is and how that will work for the both of you.

More Relationship Tips

2008-03-03T21:58:00.000-08:00

Looking for more tips to solidify your relationship? Look no further!

Give Intimacy to Get It

Do you wait for your partner to do something nice for you before you return the favor? Are you feeling like your partner isn't doing their part to make you feel loved? Well, here's a question for you...what are you doing to make your partner feel loved?

Many people wait and wait for their partner to make the "first move" and then become disappointed when their partner doesn't respond. It's time to take control of the closeness in your relationship! If you provide love, then you have a higher chance of receiving love in return. Don't wait around and then become resentful of yourself for waiting...that only hurts you in the end.

It Time to Talk!

How often do you and your spouse sit down and check in with one another about your relationship? I mean, more than just the events of the day: the kids' schoolwork, your jobs, what needs to be fixed around the house. How often do you talk about your dreams, your goals or where you want to be 5, 10 or 20 years from now? If you've lost sight of your relationship, you'll may be surprised to wake up one day and not know your spouse, or even yourself anymore.

Take the time to reconnect, even if it's one night a week. Using that time will increase intimacy, connection and give you an ongoing chance to rejuvenate your relationship.

How NOT to Communicate!

Recently, there seems to be an influx of ways people seem to deal with important issues and conflicts in their relationships, but cannot understand why they're ineffective. Let's look at what NOT to do, so you can find healthier, alternative ways of communicating:

Don't call your partner at work to discuss heated issues. They may not be in a position to really focus on the issue.

Don't send a text message your partner at work. Text messages can easily be misconstrued and unnecessary arguments could envelop.

Don't try to discuss things while getting the children ready for bed. Again, your attention is focused elsewhere. Furthermore, children do not need to be privy to adult discussions.

DO write down what you really need to discuss, to keep your thoughts together. Wait until your partner is at home, where you both can give the matter your full attention. If this isn't possible, then hire a babysitter for a couple of hours, go and get a cup of coffee together, and leave the cell phones at home (to minimize interruptions). Many people used to go on dates before cell phones....you can too!

Paying for Therapy--Should I Use Insurance?

2008-02-16T00:10:00.000-08:00

A major concern people have about counseling is the fees. Therapists may charge anywhere from $75 to $150/hour. That is a lot of money! Then, if you're going weekly or even twice a week, it can add up quickly. You have insurance and you pay a lot for your premiums. So, you may be asking, "Why shouldn't I use my insurance?" It is best you understand the risks and benefits of using health insurance therapy before making a decision that may have negative consequences. Let's look at what using insurance may mean for you:

The Benefits

•Co-payments tend to be very low.
•Some insurance plans may relieve you of a co-payment altogether!

The Risks

•You must qualify for a mental disorder diagnosis, which would have to be disclosed to your insurance panel. The diagnosis becomes the focus of your therapy, rather than the reason you contacted your therapist in the first place.

•If you are trying to apply for life/disability insurance/private health insurance, your company will need to have access to any prior health information, which includes whatever mental disorder diagnosis provided during your therapy. This can effect eligibility and premiums.

•Depending on your plan, insurance panels may have case managers consult with your therapist to get ongoing sessions authorized. This case manager will ultimately decide whether your therapy is a "medical necessity." If they decide your therapy doesn't meet the criteria for "medical necessity," they can terminate your treatment benefits, possibly prematurely.

•Insurance companies may recommend you go in for a medication evaluation to determine if it would be beneficial to your treatment, even if it's not part of the treatment plan you and your therapist have agreed upon.

What This Means to You

Only you can determine whether the calculated risks to use insurance would be beneficial or not. If you want to keep your issues private and the paper trail to a minimum, look at the risks and benefits of using your insurance to pay for your therapy and determine if it is the right course of treatment for you.

While therapy can be an expensive venture, for many people, their therapy is fairly short-term, usually anywhere from 8 to 20 sessions, depending on the presenting issues, how much those issues are impacting your life and how hard you are willing to work to overcome the problem.

Whatever you decide, look at your options, what you want to get out of treatment, and ask your therapist about your options. Do your own research and make educated choices.

Is My Problem Therapy-Appropriate?

2008-02-12T08:29:00.000-08:00

I hear this question a lot. New clients will call and start off our conversation with, "I know you probably have more important clients with more critical issues, but I don't know where else to turn." It always amazes me how people don't believe their issue is important enough to seek help themselves.

Well, here is some reassurance. People cope differently in reaction to situations. Something that may stress one person out may easily roll off of your back. In turn, you may find yourself having difficulty dealing with a particular situation, but you see others sail through the stress with ease.

Regardless, if you're finding you're having difficulty dealing with a particular issue or relationship, and the inability to cope with the problem is impacting your ability to carry out your normal daily routine, then it's time to do something about it. You have a right to be happy within your life, whatever that means or looks like to you.

Reaching out for help is not a weakness, but in fact a strength. It's the strength of knowing your limitations and recognizing getting help will allow you to heal faster, rather than trying to work through the problem on your own, only to realize that you're sinking fast.

So, if you are doubting as to whether or not your issue is important enough for therapy, ask yourself this:

Am I succeeding at overcoming the problem myself?
What will it take for me to recognize I need help to get my life back in order?

Remember: Only strength allows you to take one step at a time.

Why am I Requested to Fill Out Paperwork at the First Session?

2008-02-04T11:08:00.000-08:00

You took the first step. You picked up the phone and called a counselor. The first appointment is set. The therapist may request you come in early to complete paperwork or some are now email the paperwork to you, so you can fill it out in the comfort of your own home. You see the packet...you cannot believe how much paperwork there is to complete! It begins to feel overwhelming. Why do some therapists have you complete paperwork while others don't?

In the world of insurance and lawsuits, now more than ever many therapists are outlining their policies and procedures to protect you, the client, and themselves. If all the policies are spelled out, then you know exactly what to expect from the therapist and the therapeutic process. From a therapist's point-of-view, clients can feel anxious and overwhelmed coming into the first session and may not remember the policies discussed. For this reason, many therapists will require you complete the paperwork.

Another possible reason for the paperwork is the HIPAA (Health Information Portability and Accountability Act) laws, which went into effect in April 2003. As clients choose to use their insurance for counseling, therapists are turning to the internet to expedite billing procedures. Therapists who are utilizing the internet to bill for services must become HIPAA-compliant, which requires the therapist provide you with a copy of the Notice of Privacy Practices (NPP), which discusses how your health information can and cannot be used. The therapist is mandated to obtain a signature from you demonstrating you received such a copy. This doesn't mean you agree with the policy, only that you've received one.

But what if I'm not using my insurance? I'm just paying for therapy out-of-pocket. According to HIPAA law, regardless of the means of pay, if the clinician must be HIPAA-compliant, then they have to provide all clients with an NPP and treat their information according to HIPAA laws.

All in all, the paperwork, while it may seem unnecessary, protects you, the therapist and may be required by law.

Confidentiality & Counseling

2008-01-23T23:22:00.001-08:00

You enter into a counseling relationship to begin a journey of personal growth and overcome obstacles preventing you from achieving your goals. This journey entails the disclosure of very personal information and you want to make sure you can trust the therapist to uphold your confidentiality.

You need to know the parameters of confidentiality BEFORE you start therapy. Most therapists will inform you of these parameters at the first session. In most circumstances, your confidentiality will be upheld. As I say to my clients, "What is said in this room, stays in this room." However, there are exceptions that most therapists must adhere to. Some of these may vary by state, so make sure you check with your therapist:

Legal Exceptions to Confidentiality Include:

•Child abuse or neglect
•Elder abuse or neglect
•Dependent adult abuse or neglect
•Serious threats to harm others
•A court order compelling a therapist to testify or release therapeutic information to the court.

Other/Ethical Exceptions to Confidentiality Include:
•Serious threats to harm yourself
•Case consultation with other mental health professionals for the benefit of your therapy
•Implementing a "no-secrets" policy, which is utilized in couples and family therapy to prevent members of the family from forcing the therapist to withhold secrets from other family members, which can be harmful to the therapy.

The best action you can take is to speak with your therapist at the onset of therapy about their limits of confidentiality policies, so you are aware of the parameters that protect your rights as a client.

What If I Feel My Therapy Isn't Working?

2008-01-21T22:08:00.000-08:00

Do you go to therapy wondering what you're going to talk about? Do you feel like you're spinning your wheels and getting nowhere? Feeling discouraged that you're constantly taking one step forward but 3 steps back in therapy?

Therapy requires time, patience and work, but you probably don't want to feel like you will be in therapy forever. If you're feeling discouraged, it's real easy to call your therapist, cancel the appointment and never reschedule. But is it really the best decision for you? Could be....maybe not.

Therapy is a complicated art. There are many factors which contribute to the success or failure of therapy, the main factor is the rapport between the therapist and yourself. Other factors include: your commitment to therapy and yourself, the therapist's competence and confidence in their own skills, the issues you bring to the table and the length of time you've been dealing with the problems, just to name a few.

Dropping out may prevent you from facing the problems that brought you to therapy in the first place. So what do you do?

First, talk to your therapist as soon as you start to feel discouraged. Let your therapist know how you're feeling, what you are seeing is happening with the therapy, and what your expectations are. Opening this channel of communication helps the therapist understand what you are wanting and an open discussion of your needs and expectations can be laid out on the table.

After having such a discussion, you and your therapist can lay out a new treatment plan addressing your concerns, which may include additional resources in addition to therapy such as support groups, medical evaluations, etc. After processing all your options, you may agree transferring to another therapist may be needed. If this is the case, your therapist should be able to provide you with appropriate referrals so you can continue your journey.

Why is My Therapist Ending My Therapy?

2008-01-15T21:31:00.000-08:00

Someone asked me recently, "Why would my therapist end my therapy? I don't think I'm ready." This could feel scary, especially if you've worked with your therapist for a while.

There are many reasons a therapist may discontinue therapy with a client. However, whatever the reason, a competent therapist would discuss the reasons with you and provide you with the appropriate referrals so you can continue your journey.

•The issues you are presenting are beyond the therapist's level of knowledge or competence.
•The therapist recognizes a serious detriment with the rapport between the two of you, which isn't providing you with safe environment you need to succeed in therapy.
•Your therapist recognizes underlying issues (eg., medical, psychiatric, drug dependence) which may need to be addressed and rectified before therapy can be beneficial.

There are a multitude of reasons. These are just a few. If your therapist does determine that a referral needs to be made, you have every right to ask your therapist about what they are seeing, which is influencing their decision. Your discussion is necessary as maybe you have omitted information that could change your therapist's decision.

Losing your therapist can be a significant loss for some clients. The therapist should be willing to process this with you and help you make the transition as smoothly as possible.

Improve Your Communication

2008-01-13T17:04:00.000-08:00

You may think you know how to communicate with your partner, and maybe you do. Answer the following questions. Do you and your partner:

1) Ever have disagreements?
2) Resolve disagreements with strong arguments?
3) Resolve disagreements with physical altercations?
4) Resolve disagreements by "sweeping it under the rug?"

If answered "yes" to any of the above, then you probably aren't as effective as you could be. The following tips can help you work through differences positively and, hopefully, give you some alternate ways to come to compromise and/or resolution.

Keeping it all in

Have you ever felt so misunderstood by your partner, you decide not to speak your mind. I mean, what's the point? They aren't listening anyway and it'll just end up in an argument, right? So, let's look at what happens if you continually make this choice over and again:

You give in over and over. You stay quiet time and again. You keep bending over backwards in hopes that'll keep the peace. Soon, you start to feel angry all the time. You begin to nit-pick at your partner's faults. Those faults have always been there, but now they are really beginning to get under your skin. Suddenly, arguments over simple issues, like cleaning dishes and taking out the trash, become as large as World War III. Now, your conversations are continually strained. Tension has become a way of life in your home. You wake up one morning and decide you can't live in this relationship anymore. So what really happened?

You made a choice. The choice to stay quiet. The choice to not speak your mind. You began to bend over backwards so much you're on the verge of breaking. It appears you're angry with your partner, but really you're angry with yourself. You've kept quiet and you're angry to allow yourself to let this go for so long.

Ask yourself this question....was your choice really worth it?

Balancing "I" with "We"

How often do you find yourself saying or hearing your partner say,
"We need to do....?" or "Why aren't we....?"

In many circumstances, WE can be a beautiful word, but it can also be
a dangerous one. WE can signify togetherness, a partnership, a bond.
However, if WE begins to replace "I", problems ensue. At the point
"I" is replaced by "WE," individuality is compromised. The two of you
came together as individuals...morphing into one is a romanticized
ideology of a relationship. Losing "I" for the sake of "WE" means
giving up your identity, the very characteristics which caused your
partner to love you in the first place.

When "We need to do....." appears, it's time to stop and think: Is
this something my partner and I "need" to do? Or is this something
"I" really need from my partner and myself? Be honest here. Most
likely, it's your need being masked as a "WE." It's time to assert
yourself. It's time to stand up for your needs and stop imposing them
on your partner. They are most likely going to be more receptive if
you're saying:

"I need the clothes to be washed. Would you mind helping me with this?"
vs."We need to wash the clothes."

Asserting yourself positively is a great way to establish your "I-
ness" within a "WE" world.

Communication Overcomes Stress

What is the best stress reliever? Knowing you have someone in your corner, who can provide you with support...who can go through the stress with you...who can understand your stress. Having this person on your side can help you feel less alone.

Stress can cloud judgment and result in arguments if you let it. However, if you allow your partner to be a form of support, you will have a pillar to lean on. Talk to your partner. Let them know how you're feeling, what you're thinking, what you need. Invite them to be a part of your world. Let them know how they an help. It will help them feel less helpless (because let's be honest....they can't always "fix" the problem for you), and you get support in a way you need it.

Communication can ease the tension and help relieve the stress...as long as you're willing to keep your partner in the loop.

These are just a few tips, which can help you start a positive bridge towards communication. If you're interested in receiving more tips for a healthy relationship, visit my website and sign up for free weekly relationship tips.

Understanding the Counselor's Role

2008-01-07T09:59:00.000-08:00

Have you experience a kind of "distance" between you and your counselor? It's almost as if one moment there's a "connection" between you and the next moment, that connection is lost. It makes you wonder, "what happened?"

First and foremost, it's essential to remember that the counselor is not your friend. You don't pay your friends money to listen to your concerns and your friends may not have the ability to pull themselves away emotionally to see how your concerns may or may not be skewed. They only see your pain and want to fix it. They do not have the training or experience to be able to help you understand your pain and work with it in a way most beneficial to you. This may be where you feel this "distance." The therapist must keep a level of distance to maintain objectivity. If they become too invested in the emotions, then they can become as ineffective as some of your friends and family in the matters of helping you with your concerns.

Giving Your Partner Space

2007-12-31T15:12:00.000-08:00

Your partner had a bad day, you try to console them, but you feel like all your attempts are failing. If you leave them alone, they claim you're "abandoning" them. Continue to pursue and you're nagging them. Feel like you're in a lose-lose situation? Sometimes your partner needs their space, but knowing how to do it without feeling like being in that lose-lose situation takes some finesse.

I had a client tell me this week they had a hard time speaking their needs. Upon looking at it further, we came to the realization that asking for what they want seemed like a weakness, almost as if they can't do it for themselves, so they have to depend on their partner; hence, showing weakness. I can see their point. If you are totally self-sufficient, then there's no reason to ask. From this perspective, it makes sense. Is it realistic though?

Is it realistic for us to expect our partners to be able to respond to our needs when we have trouble expressing them for fear of being vulnerable? Informing our partner of our needs does require some risk. We tell our partners what we need and hope they respond to us. Conversely, telling our partner what we need establishes our independence. It lets our partner know how we are different from them and what they can do to receive positive feedback from us.

There is a magic sentence to get to the bottom of most communication failures: What do you need from me?

By asking your partner this little 6-word question, all the guesswork has been eliminated. Their response will provide you with the information needed to follow-up and respond appropriately. Whether your partner needs their space or they need you by their side, it's their responsibility to express this, not your's to guess.

Can I Be Friends with my Therapist?

2007-12-21T11:13:00.000-08:00

Many people seek counseling due to some sort of crisis within their lives. They seek out someone neutral, objective, like a counselor, because their family and friends provide advice based on emotions and the connection with the person.

Once in counseling, you may start to have feelings for your therapist. This is very common. You start to feel like you really could like being friends with them. You feel like the therapist understands you and really listens to you. They may laugh with you n sessions, they allow you to cry when you need to. They accept you for where you're at. As a result, you may want to see your therapist over lunch, at a coffee shop, etc.

The California Association of Marriage & Family Therapists (CAMFT) establishes the Code of Ethics. They state, therapists should not engage "in a close personal relationship with a patient" as it may skew the therapy. Is this person now your friend or your therapist? How do they maintain that professionalism? Are you now paying your therapist or a good friend to help you? It can all become confusing and counterproductive.

Another issue is your relationship wasn't based on the makings of a friendship. Counseling is a business transaction with personal impacts. How much do you know about your therapist, really? Friendships are struck based on commonalities, such as interests, likes/dislikes, and personal experiences. How much of these things do you know about your therapist? Probably not as much as you think. Therapists don't disclose too much about themselves during your sessions. They can be likable people, but it doesn't mean you know that much of their lives outside the office.

CAMFT recommends a 2-year waiting rule to be extended to all types of relationships with clients, including friendships. There are several reasons for this. First, you may decide to return shortly after ending the therapy, which is common. Second, there is a belief that if a client and therapist want to engage in a relationship (friendship or otherwise) outside the therapy, 2-years to determine if a friendship could really sustain beyond the parameters of therapy.

If you have additional thoughts about becoming friends with your therapist, I recommend to discuss this directly with your therapist. It would be a good process for you in figuring out what characteristics you need for friendships as well as keeping the therapist in their role and allowing them to do their job...to provide you with a safe, valuable service.

Disclosing to the Counselor -- How much is too much?

2007-12-07T21:05:00.000-08:00

Counseling is an interesting phenomenon. You pay a complete stranger to open up to them, become vulnerable and place some level of expectation they will be able to help you through your problems and come up with better solutions. This can feel weird, overwhelming, even downright scary. But, how much should you disclose?

Your counselor can only help you if you're upfront and honest with them. This may not mean you have to unlock every skeleton in your closet, but if you're holding back, they may not be able to help you move forward. For example, if you are actively engaging in the use of alcohol or marijuana and you emphatically deny this to your therapist, they may attribute your symptomology to more severe mental disorders. They cannot assess, and thus intervene, appropriately.

Communicating with your counselor can also be beneficial if you find you are having difficulties with the direction your therapy is going. Sometimes, I find clients may experience difficulty bringing up problems to the counselor when it has to do with the counselor; however, counselors are people too. We make mistakes and misinterpret client signals, which could inadvertently derail your therapy.

If you find yourself uncomfortable with your counseling experience, I recommend you bring it up with your counselor. Let them know how you're feeling and what your concerns are. Again, the counselor can't read your mind and will want to know how they can best help you.

Wanting More From Your Counselor

2007-12-06T22:10:00.000-08:00

Counseling is a very interesting process. You come in spilling your guts to another person who is practically a stranger. You tell them things you've never told anyone else. You may have broken down in tears when you're upset, or maybe have turned to them when you're feeling like you're at your lowest point. And all this time, they've never judged you or shamed you...just provided the support and guidance you needed to get through these rough times.

Suddenly, you may find you are having feelings towards this person. You may want to become friends with them or even closer...maybe even have feelings of love. So what's the problem?

If your counselor is true to your therapy, they cannot reciprocate your feelings. It's understandable you would have such strong feelings for your counselor. You have put your trust in them and become vulnerable during some difficult times. For your counselor to share your feelings could have detrimental effects. They will not be able to maintain the objectivity, which you sought out in the first place. Counseling is a professional relationship which can sometimes feel very personal. However, it isn't personal. Do you pay your friends and family to talk to you? Probably not.

Your counselor is trained to deal with these issues. They can help you process your feelings in a positive way. However, if your feelings begin to overtake the therapy, your counselor may recommend (as a last resort) to transfer your therapy to another counselor, who can continue the work. Although this can feel like rejection, the counselor is really doing what is in your best interest. They want to see you succeed in life, and will not be able to help you achieve this if they are personally involved in your life.

Counseling through the Holidays

2007-12-04T08:06:00.000-08:00

The holidays prove to be a stressful time, between dealing with family, buying gifts and trying to please everyone around you, you may feel overwhelmed and feel like you can't add one more commitment to your schedule. I can appreciate this as I also feel overwhelmed at times.

If you've been going to therapy for a while, you may want to feel like cutting therapy out of the schedule to have extra time or extra money for gifts. Consider carefully if this is the right move for you. I'm not automatically saying it's not, but weigh the pros and cons carefully:

Pros:

•Have more time to get things done
•Have more money to invest in gifts and other holiday necessities.

Cons:

•You have difficulty managing stress on your own.
•You allow all the holiday activities to overrun your calendar. Counseling is a guaranteed hour to focus on yourself.
•If your counseling recently took a positive turn, now may not be the best time to suspend sessions as you may lose motivation.
•If the holidays are a difficult time for you, suspending counseling to save a few dollars may not be best for your mental and physical health.

If you are deciding whether or not temporarily suspending sessions through the holidays is appropriate for you, speak with your therapist about it. Together, the 2 of you can look at the progress you've made to date and determine if taking a break for a few weeks would be in your best interest. Ultimately, this discussion could be the catalyst for a positive holiday season!

Why Weekly Sessions?

2007-11-07T21:31:00.000-08:00

From time to time, I will be asked by new clients, "Why do I need to come in weekly?" There is no magical formula and treatment will vary client by client. This is what I have found in working with clients:

1) They are usually in crisis by the time they have made their first appointment.
2) They want to feel better about the problem as soon as possible.
3) They don't want to feel like they are going to be in therapy forever.

For these reasons, I usually encourage weekly sessions until:

1) The crisis has subsided.
2) They start to feel like they have a handle on the problem.

When sessions are initially bi-weekly, clients tend to start the sessions off, and can spend up to 1/2 the time, recounting what has happened since the last session. This only gives me, as the therapist, 1/2 the session to really work with the you. Weekly sessions provide a higher level of interaction, intervention and support. Clients receive more consistency, which in turn allows them to integrate what they learn in therapy and achieve their goals faster.

It's Not My Therapy, it's Your's!

2007-11-04T14:40:00.000-08:00

I had the most interesting conversation with another person yesterday. They asked me if I ever contacted clients 6 months after they've ended therapy to see how they are doing and if the therapy was successful. I replied, "No. I don't. If I did, then this could be seen as intrusive to the client." My answer stumped them, but it got me thinking.

Clients often ask me, "How do you handle people's problems all day long?" The short answer is, I'm not. You don't want a therapist who makes your problems their problems. Then the person you're paying good money to has lost the objectivity you probably sought after in the first place. You want a therapist who can definitely provide empathy and support, but can simultaneously maintain an emotional distance from your problem, to best help you see past the problem and begin accessing resolution.

When a therapist gets too involved with the problem, the therapy can easily shift from the client's needs to the therapist's. This isn't what you're paying the therapist for. So, in responding to the original question about my outcomes and follow-up with past clients, I remain in the position that no news is good news. If the client ever needs to return, they can call me up and make an appointment.

Taking Care of Yourself

2007-10-25T10:56:00.000-07:00

You take care of your spouse, your children, your pets, your friends, your parents and maybe even extended family, but who is taking care of you? If you're feeling stretched thin, it could be due to the fact you aren't putting in enough time for some self-care. This can result in increased stress, which in turn causes you to get sick, resentful and cause tension amongst those you love.

Think of it this way:

Imagine you are holding onto a basket of marbles. Each marble represents a moment of care to be bestowed onto another. For each act, you give out marbles to the individual who is receiving the benefit of that act. So you make time for your kids, those are marbles being given out. Same to your spouse as you take their dry-cleaning in. Same to your friends, who need a shoulder to cry on. You get the idea. After a while, if you aren't receiving marbles as fast as you give them away, what happens? You run out of marbles to give. This is known as "burnout" or some may say, "I've lost my marbles!"

It is important to make sure you are replenishing your own marbles constantly. Whether it be taking a hot bubble bath, long walks, a trip to the beach or time to read a book on the back porch, indulging in a little "me" time allows you to refill your basket and continue to be the giving person you want to be.

I Think I'm Done with Therapy

2007-10-16T09:21:00.001-07:00

Have you been going to therapy for a while and wonder if you've gotten everything you can out of it? Are you wondering if you should just end it? Here's some points to consider if you are feeling "done" with therapy.

First, bring this up with your therapist. Usually clients and therapists have this interesting "sixth sense" about when therapy is over. Many times, I make plans to discuss the termination of therapy with a client, when they beat me to the punch, "Do you think I ready to end therapy?"

When either you or your therapist feel ending therapy (also more formally known as termination), your therapist will most likely want to review the goals you set out to achieve at the onset of therapy. Did you achieve them? Are there secondary goals that still need to be worked on? Are you satisfied with what you've accomplished? Your therapist will want to discuss these questions with you as well as look at any other goals you still might want to achieve.

Another point your therapist will want to cover with you is the skills you've acquired to overcome any future problems which might arise. The probability of another problem surfacing is likely and you may not have control over the problem; however, you do have control over how you tackle such problems using the tools you've learned through therapy.

Your therapist may also discuss your level of awareness in recognizing when you might need to return to therapy. Hopefully, you've made enough personal changes to be able to overcome problems and continue learning and growing from the process; however, you may find yourself needing outside assistance again. How will you know? What are the signs? By discussing these questions, you'll have a better grasp of the issue and seek help before you are in crisis.

Finally, the therapist will want to help you process the end of therapy. The therapist/client relationship is unique. You place a high level of trust into a stranger in order to overcome the crises, which brought you to therapy in the first place. Knowing this relationship is coming to an end can be difficult for some. Allowing this process to take place will provide you with the proper closure.

Whatever you do, allow yourself to experience this process. Canceling an appointment with no intention of returning only cheats you out of the opportunity to see how far you've come, what you can still work on independently and the resources available to you.

The Importance of Communication

2007-10-08T21:56:00.000-07:00

Communication is so important for a relationship to endure. Couples who have difficulty with listening and responding in an open manner have a higher likelihood to have arguments, tension and misunderstandings. In order to minimize such rollercoasters, here are some tips to help you understand the importance of communication:

Keeping it all in

Have you ever felt so misunderstood by your partner, you decide not to speak your mind. I mean, what's the point? They aren't listening anyway and it'll just end up in an argument, right? So, let's look at what happens if you continually make this choice over and again:

You give in over and over. You stay quiet time and again. You keep bending over backwards in hopes that'll keep the peace. Soon, you start to feel angry all the time. You begin to nit-pick at your partner's faults. Those faults have always been there, but now they are really beginning to get under your skin. Suddenly, arguments over simple issues, like cleaning dishes and taking out the trash, become as large as World War III. Now, your conversations are continually strained. Tension has become a way of life in your home. You wake up one morning and decide you can't live in this relationship anymore. So what really happened?

You made a choice. The choice to stay quiet. The choice to not speak your mind. You began to bend over backwards so much you're on the verge of breaking. It appears you're angry with your partner, but really you're angry with yourself. You've kept quiet and you're angry to allow yourself to let this go for so long.

Ask yourself this question....was your choice really worth it?

What are you willing to do?

Are you in a relationship and feel like you've done "everything" to make it work? Are you still feeling frustrated? So what's going wrong?

Consider this...are you really doing everything to make the relationship work? What is the problem? What needs to be done to fix it? Are you really doing it? Here's some examples:

Conflicts with parenting styles: Are you going to parenting classes? They really help. Consistency is key and these classes give you the tools.
Feeling disconnected: Are you trying to connect? Or are you coming home every night and zoning out in front of the TV or going to separate rooms and spending the rest of the night apart.
Money problems: Do you just argue? Or have you set a budget? Gone to a financial planner? Seen a tax advisor? Accessing resources will help you deal with a business issue without the emotion.
Constant arguing over nothing: Are you taking the time to hear your partner? Or are you ready to defend yourself with every word coming out of their mouth? What we say is only 10% of what we mean. The other 90% is what we don't say. If you're trying to get the last word in edgewise, you're not hearing your partner.
Going to couples' counseling: Are you doing the work outside of the sessions? Or are you waiting until the next meeting to deal with the week's problems? Are you listening to the counselor and following up on their recommendations and suggestions? Or are you following your own plan? f you're not following the recommendations of your counselor, then think about this....are your own beliefs of how to solve the problem really working?

These are just examples to skim the surface. So ask yourself....are you really doing everything possible to get the relationship you want? Or are you expecting it to happen? Think about it....and be honest with yourself and your relationship.

Listen to your Heart?!?!?!

Have you ever had the experience of your head telling you one thing, but your heart is telling you the exact opposite? What is that all about? Why does it prevent us from taking steps to improve our relationships? The secret is uncovered!

So our partner says something that angers us. Logically, we know they didn't mean it. Emotionally, we can't let it go. In many situations, our feelings/emotions are triggered by an instantaneous thought process...like a knee-jerk reaction. What we don't realize is this irrational thought reflects something about ourselves we believe to be true. Examples may include, "I'm not good enough" or "I'm bad." We've internalized these types of thoughts and react whenever anything challenging these messages. The irony is most people aren't in tune with these thoughts, but we're in touch with our feelings: a heavy heart, a stomach in knots, or a painful chest.

So what do we do? We react to ease the painful feelings we're having; however, we're reacting to irrational feelings as a result of an irrational belief about ourselves. If we're able to take a step back when our partner triggers us, we can determine the root of our feelings and make better decisions as to how to react to the situation. Most of the time, you may realize the gut reaction may not always be the best reaction.

Getting the Most Out of Counseling

2007-09-18T15:03:00.000-07:00

If you've never been to counseling before, you may wonder what to expect out of the process. Counseling requires hard work, not in the way of using physical exertion, but more of working towards your goals. Wait! That means you need to have goals! So, you're going to counseling. What do you want to get out of it? What would you like to accomplish from your time with your therapist? How will you know when you're finished with your therapist? If you give yourself an opportunity to think about these questions and discuss them with your counselor, you'll be able to determine an appropriate path towards accomplishing your goals.

Now your goals are set and you have worked out a plan with your counselor. Now the work begins. Your counselor cannot do the work for you. This is your life and your responsibility to change it. Your counselor can provide you with tools to help you change your life, but if you aren't actively using these tools, you won't get very far and begin to get frustrated with your counselor and the therapy process.

Look at it this way. Your counseling sessions are only 45-50 minutes a week. This means you have an additional 6 days, 23 hours and 10 minutes before your next session. This provides you with ample opportunity to take what you've learned in your counseling and apply it in your everyday life. It's real easy to take the stance of "Out of sight, out of mind." However, your life isn't either. Your life is always in sight and staring you in the face. You now have the opportunity to take control and do something with it. You're paying good money to see this therapist. You owe it to yourself (and your wallet) to put the work into it.

If your feeling challenged by the work or the process is bringing up uncomfortable feelings, inform your counselor! It helps your counselor to know how you're reacting to the therapy. If you feel like you're hitting a wall each time you make the attempt to do the work and don't inform your counselor, that wall will feel bigger and higher trying to do it on your own. The counselor can help you process and work through what you're experiencing.

Counseling definitely follows the adage, "You get out of it what you put into it." Put your "all" into it and you'll have a better chance for therapeutic success!

I Have My First Appointment - What to Expect

2007-09-10T23:46:00.000-07:00

So you've made the decision to get some counseling. Good for you! Counseling is an extremely beneficial means to obtaining support, guidance and a safe outlet to explore and overcome struggles, which may be plaguing you. Now you might be asking, "What will happen when I get there?"

You may need to attend your first appointment a bit early to complete intake paperwork. Like visiting a new doctor for the first time, there is paperwork which needs to be filled out. With the age of technology, some therapists have their intake paperwork online for you to download and complete. Your therapist will provide you with instructions as to what will be required from you.

Upon getting to the office, you might see a wall panel with your therapist's name and a light switch next to their name. Go ahead and flip that wall switch. The light indicates to the therapist of a client in the waiting room. At this point, have a seat and wait. If you need to complete the intake paperwork, now is the time to fill it out. Your therapist will leave out a clipboard for you with all the paperwork for you to review and complete.

At this time, your therapist will come out to the waiting room and take you back to their office. Their office may look like a living room, with couches and chairs. Ultimately, it should feel comfortable. Have a seat!

The therapist will ask you why you're seeking therapy, how they can be of help to you, and let you know of any policies, which will help you understand the process of therapy. Ultimately, it's a "get to know you" session. Some therapists may need to know specific information and ask specific questions. Others may give you the floor to discuss your needs, concerns and expectations.

However your therapist directs the session, allow yourself an opportunity to notice how you're feeling about the environment and the therapist. This is your time to see if the therapist is the right "fit" for you. If you don't feel comfortable, let the therapist know. They are trained to process your feelings with you and together, you may determine the "fit" isn't right. There's nothing wrong with this. Finding the right "fit" is the most important dynamic of the counseling relationship. Give yourself the opportunity to find your "fit." You'll know when it's right for you.

Is My Problem "Worthy" of Therapy?

2007-09-04T12:49:00.000-07:00

I get asked this question all the time. Clients make statements like, "You must hear things SO much worse than my problem," or "You must think I'm crazy for spending money on a problem as insignificant as mine."

If the problem is plaguing you and you're having difficulty overcoming the problem by yourself, then it is worthy of therapy. Therapy isn't limited to people with major mental health disorders or to people who are suicidal. Therapy is for anyone who needs support or an outsider's view of the issue. No problem is significant. If it's bothering you, then it's worth exploring and overcoming.

Someone once told me, "I always thought you had to be crazy to come to therapy. Now I realize you'd have to be crazy not to seek therapy!" Why go through a tough time by yourself? You have the right to have a fulfilling life.

If you feel you aren't satisfied and you're ready to explore avenues to achieve the lifestyle you hope for, then pick up the phone and begin your journey!

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Leaving Therapy Before It's Over

Self-Respect -- How to Get it?

Help--A Weakness or a Strength?

Starting your New Year Off Right

Working Together

Choices

Fostering Intimacy

Having Realistic Expectations

Adapting to Change

The End of a Relationship

Be Right? Or Be Happy?

The Family's Influence

How Blaming Hurts

"I" versus "We"

Your Counselor's License

Keeping a Relationship Strong

Is "In Treatment" Really What Happens in Therapy?