Leaving Therapy Before It's Over

Have you gotten to a point where you don't feel like your therapy is going anywhere?
Are you short on funds and having difficulty attending your sessions on a consistent basis?
Do you feel like you and your therapist aren't "clicking?"

If you've thought "yes" to any of these questions, then you might have considered dropping out of therapy prematurely. Ultimately, you have the right to cease sessions when you feel necessary; however, I see clients leave therapy too early due to financial struggles, something that has occurred in the most recent session that they don't want to process or they feel like they've gotten all they can get out of it.

In situations like these, rather than leaving a voicemail message on your therapist's answering service, I recommend that you attend your next appointment to discuss your concerns with your therapist. If it's a financial concern, your therapist may consider a sliding scale, or space out your sessions a little more, depending on your therapy needs. If you are unsure if you're getting anything out of therapy, you and your therapist can revisit your treatment goals and discuss your progress as well as what you'd like to see from therapy. If you're unhappy with your therapist or upset by something your therapist said during the session, bringing it up to your therapist empowers you and let's your therapist know how you interpreted their intervention.

A good therapist will be open to discussing such issues and will want to understand what didn't work. They may be able to "clear the air" or even explore where the breakdown occurred. Your therapist will respect your decision to leave, but discussing your concerns ultimately provides your therapist with good feedback and you might be able to ultimately leave therapy with a positive experience.

Self-Respect -- How to Get it?

If you're struggling to get your partner to show you respect, then it may be time to take a look at yourself. If you're not respecting yourself, then what reason does your partner have to respect you? If you feel they talk down to you, ignore you or cause you hurtful feelings, then it's time to decide for yourself what you may be doing that allows your partner to demonstrate such behavior to you. I'm not saying you have control over your partner, but if you're engaging with your partner in some way that shows them you're okay with the way they are treating you, then they have no incentive to change.

Respect is earned. In order to get respect, respect yourself first and demonstrate a level of respect for your partner. In turn, they will have to give you respect if the relationship is worth maintaining.

Help--A Weakness or a Strength?

Many times when I'm working with couples, I consistently hear how they have difficultly asking their partner for help, "I don't want them to see me as weak." It's interesting how people have this notion that requesting help is a sign a weakness...as if the person should be all-knowing, powerful, or strong at all times. The fact is we're human first. We all have moments of weakness and need to rely on one another for support.

I offer you an alternative view. I suggest that you try to view needing help as an ability to recognize your limitations. Having this type of insight is a strength in itself. Knowing when you need strength, admitting that to yourself and then admitting this to your partner actually conveys, "I recognize I have a limitation and I'm honest & strong enough with myself to let you know." This message can enhance the connection and intimacy between a couple.

Starting your New Year Off Right

So the holidays are behind us and we've rung in 2009. Have you set any New Year's resolutions? How are you doing with them so far? If you're still continuing with them congrats! You are in the minority of people who have actually set out the goals you want to accomplish. Why is this? Most likely, you've chosen something important to you...something that has meaning to you...

Many times, goals are not achieved because people establish goals that really don't have enough priority in their lives or are too unrealistic or vague to attain. "I want to lose 20 by the beginning of February," or "I want to be a better spouse."

Consider making realistic goals that have the potential to be measurable and attainable. "I will lose 2-3 pounds weekly," or "I will call my spouse daily to check in with them for the next month." This gives you an opportunity to really see if you are following through with your goals. If you aren't, then it's time to examine if these goals are really important to you...if they aren't, then it's time to amend them.

What does this have to do with relationships? Start with looking at where your relationship is at. What is one thing you can (and want to) do that will help you achieve the relationship you want? Start small and work to bigger goals as you gain momentum. Sometimes, it's the smallest efforts that achieve the greatest results.

Working Together

Maybe you have personally experienced a situation where you and your partner have made a decision, only to continue arguing about the situation long after the agreement. Couples make joint decisions all the time. So then why does conflict ensue if the couple agrees on the decision?

Well, even though a decision was made, both parties aren't really "okay" with the outcome of the decision. So then how could there possibly be an agreement? Perhaps you've agreed to a decision, thinking if you compromise, then the arguing will end and you and your partner can move on with your lives.

Actually, this is a common phenomenon. People will "give in" to a decision, even if they don't agree with it for all sorts of reasons: to keep the peace, ambivalence, fear of making a decision, etc. The problem is by "giving in" when you don't agree to the terms results in resentment. Really, this isn't compromising because one of you feels like you're "giving in" and not getting anything out of the agreement. This is accommodating, not compromising. Compromising is when both of you give a little and get a little in return.

So what can you do? Don't "give in" to a decision if you really can't live with the terms of the outcome. It means it's not the right decision for you, and that's okay. It's better if the two of you to continue finding alternatives that work for the two of you, rather than succumbing to a decision that results in harboring resentment.

Choices

Lately, I've been working with many couples who are realizing how the choices they make contradict what they really want. They say they want to be in a trustworthy relationship, only to choose a partner they inherently don't trust. Or they want to be in an intimate relationship, but choose a partner who travels a lot, is a workaholic or maintains a level of emotional distance. They come to me with the hopes that I can help them "change" their partner or wants me to prove that their partner is "wrong." The fact is there is so much focus on the other person rather than themselves.

This situation is actually more common than you might actually believe. How many times have you tried to convince your partner that your version of the situation is the right one, while they are wrong. Why is it so important that one must be "right" and the other be "wrong?" The fact is we all have our own reality of the situation and those realities aren't always going to coincide.

Rather than trying to change your partner, I suggest you look at your own role in the choices you've made. Are you choosing to be the "fixer" but hate the fact that your partner depends on you to "fix" everything? Have you chosen to be the planner of your weekends, but resent the fact that your partner never "steps up" to help with coming up with ideas? If you realize that you are making choices that are resulting in resentment, it might be time to make different choices.

It's time to look at your own actions in the relationship to see what choices you're making that could be negatively impacting you and, in turn, impacting your relationship in a negative way. Making healthier choices for yourself, can result in positive changes in your relationship.

Fostering Intimacy

Last week I went to a conference specifically for couples training. I walked away with a lot of information, but one caveat that stood out is how many couples engage in situations which prevent them from achieving the thing they want most. Many couples I work with complain of wanting more intimacy or "connection," in their relationship. However, they sabotage any chance of obtaining that intimacy because they cannot be honest with themselves, nor their partner. The relationship becomes built upon façades and masks...for each person to only see what they think their partner wants to see, rather than showing each other who they "truly" are.

As the relationship continues, the need to appease each other becomes more important than maintaining their own values and beliefs. Whether it's because they want to "keep the peace," or are afraid of hurting their partner, it's often seen that couples begin to "bite their tongue" or "pick and choose their battles." What ends up resulting is resentment and frustration. Neither of these feelings are productive nor beneficial towards fostering an intimate relationship.

The bottom line is you can't be intimate if you can't be honest....with yourself....with your partner.